Love Your Parents

Happy 2011!

2010-12-31T20:42:00.000-08:00

A year ago tonight my mother was in the next bedroom on hospice, but that didn't stop her from celebrating New Year's Eve! A transplanted New Yorker, she stayed up for the Times Square ball drop and for the Hollywood after-party. In fact, at 6 a.m. on New Year's Day, I went in to kiss her Good Morning, and somehow she was still awake watching TV with a big smile on her face and melted chocolate on her hands -- how had she reached the chocolate box?

As you care for your aging loved one in 2011, here are 7 things to stop and do:

1. Chronicle the ordinary moments of your journey in a journal or on Facebook or your own blog. The extraordinary moments like holidays are easy to write about, but look for the joys and blessings in the moments where you are just gazing at your dad, grateful he's still with you, or hearing your Mom ask you the same question for the third time. There will come a day when you wish you could still hear her voice. Write down the things your parents say; they will comfort you one day.

2. Take photos. It's easy now with a cell or I-Phone. When I'm waiting in line, I love flipping through the images of my Mom that I captured along the way.

3. Record Mom or Dad's voice. Turn on a microcassette recorder or a Flipcam. Just let it run for an hour while you're spending relaxed time with your parent. When the special moments come, there's no time to run find the recorder. Let it roll and watch what happens!

4. Know that your doing the most important thing in this season of your life: loving your parents during what is probably the hardest time of their lives.

5. Smile. You can melt your dad's heart.

6. Greet someone else's parent at the doctor's office or in the nursing home. A few moments of your time might mean everything to someone whose children live far away.

7. Stop and think: This, too, shall pass. The difficulties you are facing will not last forever, but neither will this precious time. Don't let anxiety about caring for your parents steal your joy. Treat each moment you share with Mom or Dad as sacred.

Join me on VoiceAmerica!

2010-12-09T20:29:00.000-08:00

Be sure to tune in to Mind, Brain & Body with Dr. Mike Kell Friday, December 10, 2010, 11 a.m. EST on VoiceAmerica Health & Wellness Network Friday. Dr. Kell and I will talk for the full hour about caring for our aging parents!

Log on to Listen:
VoiceAmerica.com

Questions? Comments?
Call: 1-866-472-5792

See you then!

The Challenges We Face Loving Our Parents

2010-10-08T22:44:00.000-07:00

The challenges in loving our parents come in different shapes and sizes. There are the big challenges of watching them struggle to move and of figuring out how Medicare works. There are the smaller challenges of coming home to find your Mom has devoured an entire box of See's chocolates while you've been away.

But really, when you're working hard to love your parents, all the challenges seem big. The reason they seem so big is that you are living through unchartered territory. Like the first day at a new school it can seem overwhelming. That is why it is so important that you don't isolate yourself in this journey. You need to reach out for help and support -- and there are many people and places to help you.

Dr. Phil recently had a story on Cyber-Bullying. It's become a terrible problem in many schools. The bully succeeds when the targeted child feels isolated and is afraid to tell a loving sibling or adult what is going on.

Whether Mom or Dad is bullying you as you try to do what you know is good for them, or the medical system is bullying you as you fight for the best medical care, or worst of all, other people give you their opinions when they've never been where you are, realize you are not alone and help is a phone call, internet click or book away.

Call a loving friend, contact your local elder services agency, find a caregiver support group (many health centers/nursing homes hold these monthly for the public), or go online and search "caregiving", "medicare" and any other topic you want information on. When you do, you will probably be overwhelmed by all the help available. But that is a good thing. Listen to your heart and reach out. You may be surprised to find that you will end up blessing others with your story and struggles.

It is easy to feel alone when you are loving your parents. You are doing a beautiful thing, yet sometimes the world seems to conspire against you. But that's loneliness talking. Talk back. You are not alone.

Tragedy in Pennsylvania

2010-09-07T11:34:00.001-07:00

I read the saddest story over the weekend about an 85-year-old woman who had been taken from her Pennsylvania nursing home by her 50-someting son. He dumped her from his car and ran over her several times, killing her. How sickening and tragic.

As someone who has lived in nursing homes over the last four years, I can't grasp there is any way, rationally-speaking, that a home could not have seen something in the son's behavior toward their patient to prevent them from letting him take her. In fact, in this case, a guardian had been appointed by the court to care for her -- someone saw red flags, but that didn't keep the facility from letting her go out with her diabolical son.

He sits in jail, charged under Pennsylvania law with 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murder.

But that won't do his Mom any good.

Was Congress Trying to Bribe Seniors?

2010-08-16T15:15:00.000-07:00

Not much help, so a bribe for votes? More here. What do you think?

Hard to Talk to Mom and Dad?

2010-08-14T06:19:00.000-07:00

Have you tried to talk to your folks about their future and how you will be able to care for them as they age? Are you encountering resistance and denial? Are you the only one in your family who wants to face and plan for the future? Are you frustrated?

These are all typical emotions when we're dealing with the aging process. Some parents are fabulous: organized with their finances and their estate planning, even deciding to move to a retirement community and taking care of their funeral arrangements so their children don't have to worry.

Parents on the other extreme ignore everything. They don't draw up a will and plan to die quietly in their home. Like that's going to happen.

Most of our parents lie somewhere along the continuum of the extremes. Your parents may have drawn up a will and revocable living trust, but haven't fully faced the necessary issues of the challenges that can arise while they're ALIVE: declining health, Medicare and other necessary insurance, hospitalizations, nursing homes. All possibilities for each one of us.

Many families don't know what they don't know. That's where we come in. There are lots of free resources here at LoveYourParents.com to help you learn all you can about the aging process and how to help your folks prepare. Check out our archived articles on the topics most important to you now.

Feel free to email a question, and please be sure to sign up for our FREE Love Your Parents Newsletter coming out August 17. Each issue will be packed with tips and articles to help you love and care for your aging parents, preparing and encouraging you each step of the way. If you would like personalized advice and strategies, we offer consulting services as well, designed for the individual circumstances you personally face.

We're in this together: loving our parents and helping get them the best possible care through the end of their lives, overcoming the challenges and pitfalls we face today in an era of economic and healthcare crises.

But be encouraged: There is a traveled path for your journey and hope along the way.

Maybe Mom or Dad Shouldn't Move In!

2010-08-10T12:30:00.001-07:00

You want to care for you Mom or Dad as they age. You think bringing them into your home may be the best solution.

For some families, three generations living together, if you still have children at home, can be a wonderful arrangement. We've talked about how that can work. Let's talk about when it can't.

Last week during an interview I was asked, "What happens when your spouse doesn't get along with your parents? How do you bring them into your home then?" Great question, simple answer: Maybe you don't.

First and foremost along this journey you want to protect your own nuclear family, your marriage and raising your children. If bringing Mom or Dad into your home is going to have a significantly negative impact on either relationship, and there's no way around that, counseling, strategies, etc., don't waste your time going there.

You still have a duty to your parents, in my opinion. But not to the point where you start risking your other family obligations. Your goal is to do the best caring and managing of your parents as you can in your particular circumstances. Marriage or kids, for me, is not an excuse to not do your best for your folks. It is a question of balance.

SOLUTIONS: Can Mom or Dad take out a reverse mortgage and live at home with caregivers that you oversee, perhaps together with your siblings, checking in on the situation consistently?

Can Mom or Dad sell their house and with the sales proceeds move into a great independent or assisted living facility close to you or your siblings, using the money from the sale of the house wisely. Remember, money goes very quickly in healthcare. There are resources here at loveyourparents.com about how to find a great assisted living facility.

The key is matching the right elder care strategies to your individual family circumstances. We're here to help!

There is Encouragement for Your Concerns

2010-08-06T19:28:00.000-07:00

Are you stuck in a place where you are dealing with raising children, working, experiencing the joys and challenges of marriage and now your Mom or Dad has gotten sick? You may feel overwhelmed, a little scared, wondering how you are going to get through.

Having lived through the School of Heart Knocks caring for my mother with dementia through her death this spring, I'm here to tell you, you can do it. You can get through. If I can, you can. I can guide you through the journey with strategies that will help you limit the frustration, the fear and the overwhelm.

We will go through this journey together, I will be here by your side with heartfelt advice and strategies that will help you keep going as you do the most beautiful thing next to raising your children if you have them, by loving your parents.

You'll find answers to your concerns, and comfort for your journey here. Welcome to LoveYourParents.com!

Thanks, Miramar Semper Fidelis Rotary!

2010-07-30T01:40:00.000-07:00

Had the great pleasure yesterday of speaking on the Miramar Air Base in California about money, time, and agony-saving strategies to love and care for our aging parents. And what a joy it was to say the Pledge of Allegiance on base, surrounded by the formidable men and women who daily serve our great nation. Many thanks to President Joe, Mike, Denver, and other members of this great chapter. The Club meets Thursdays at 11:30 a.m. for lunch in the Palms Restaurant on the Miramar Air Base.

To learn more about Rotary around the world and the Miramar Semper Fidelis Rotary, click here.

The Balancing Act--Loving Your Parents and Loving You, Too!

2010-07-26T08:28:00.000-07:00

I remember being invited to a caregiving class. "Why are you inviting me?" I asked. "I'm not a caregiver." Denial, denial, denial. "Yes, you are," the kind lady said. "And that's exactly why you have to come."

I had been looking after my Mom for a year at that point, and saw the nursing staff as the caregivers not me. Or maybe someone who had Mom or Dad at home. Now, that adult child's a real caregiver. Again, not me. I just was the one that made sure, in a graciously controlling fashion, that everyone did their job to take the best care of my Mom.

Seeing myself in the role of caregiver changed me. I realized I, too, was impacted emotionally, mentally and physically by looking after my Mom, even if I wasn't the one giving her a bath. I enjoyed the group. There was a lovely gentleman whose wife had dementia. He had been a high-level executive in Washington, D.C., and the couple had moved to California to be near their four daughters, who now rarely came to visit because of their schedules. And they hated California.

Everyone had a story to share. Though I rarely felt alone, it made me feel like I had comrades in the good fight, and we were able to support each other, and teach each other, too.

Love yourself while you're loving your parents. Put balance in your life. It's so simple, it seems dumb to write. Go for a walk. See a great summer movie. Read a good book (the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson is a well-written mystery that takes place in Sweden, and will transport you to another world.)

Go bowling. Dance around the house. Love yourself and you will be even better at loving Mom and Dad.

IF IT SMELLS, TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT

2010-07-25T13:10:00.000-07:00

Sunday is a popular day to visit nursing homes or assisted living facilities. Caveat: The institutions are on their best beahavior, they know you'll be coming.

Stop in during the week, when you're least expected. When you visit any assisted living or nursing facility for yourself, or even if you’re helping a friend, if it smells the minute you walk through the lobby, don’t waste your time. LEAVE. There is no excuse for foul smells. It means the staff is not adequately caring for the patients, changing briefs, cleaning messes, preventing bedsores. Don’t waste your time, and in my opinion, share your experience with all your friends. Places like that don’t deserve to have patients.

Great to be Published by Expat Women!

2010-07-23T21:28:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Expat Women for publishing my article on how to help your aging parents when you're living overseas!http://bit.ly/9AfKkB

The Impact of Caring at Home

2010-07-11T05:35:00.000-07:00

We've discussed the importance of A-C-I, Assessment, Cost and Impact -- looking at all three as you care for your aging parents.

After work, the next place loving your parents affects you is at home. How? First, in every spare minute, as you fold the laundry, cook, weed the garden, mow the lawn, you'll be THINKING about what to do about your folks. If they live far away, that will worry you. If they live close by, seeing them start to slow down, memory slipping, not keeping themselves up the way they used to, that will worry you.

So how to combat this? Action: the only response to fear. Make that appointment to take Mom or Dad to the doctor. Call a bonded, preferably Medicare-certified, home healthcare agency and ask what they charge for a home health aide to help with housekeeping, bathing, and periodic companionship. Read a book or some articles on caregiving.

Do something constructive and you'll keep away fear because you'll have more confidence that you know what you're dealing with when it comes to caring for your parents. Your time with your family at home will be more peaceful and so will your sleep.

What if Mom and Dad have to move in with you? We'll discuss how to deal with that next.

Sunday, July 11, Interview on ClearChannel, 7:30 a.m. EST

2010-07-10T15:29:00.000-07:00

Join me LIVE 7:30 a.m. EST Sunday on Clear Channel's News Talk Radio 1150, Lima, Ohio, with host Vikki Shurelds of Soul of the City. We'll have a info-packed conversation on caring for our aging parents.

The Impact of Caring on Your Work

2010-07-10T12:13:00.000-07:00

Loving your parents can IMPACT you at work, at home, and in your soul. The last sounds dramatic, but it's true.

WORK

You think about your folks at work, not a good idea since you're being paid by your employer to give your full attention to them. But it's hard NOT to think about your parents if their health is declining. The best advice is to compartmentalize the different areas of your life. Put work in its own box and when you're there, be fully present.

Just like with children, if the school calls and they're sick and you have to go take care of them, that doesn't look good to your supervisor, unless you have a really understanding supervisor. Maybe once or twice, the office will tolerate it, but not likely on a continuing basis.

Same with your folks. If they are on their own, do your best to stay in contact with them only on your lunch break. Ask them not to call you unless it's an emergency, and let them know when you will call them. Then call. Keep the commitment.

If Mom or Dad lives with you and you have a caregiver looking after them, give the caregiver the same instructions. After all, you're paying the caregiver to be you in your place while you work.

Find someone who is responsible to take that burden from you so that you can give your best at the office. If you start having problems at work because of caring for your parents, you will make things worse for yourself and your family, and you have to protect yourself.

Caring for your parents does not entail becoming a slave to them or giving up your life and all you have built to date. If you sacrifice yourself in the process, you will only end up resenting your parents and the situation "they" have put you in, and you will be no good for yourself or for them.

Work through the challenges to give all you can without sacrificing yourself. It's not easy, but it's worth the planning and boundary-keeping -- for your and your loved ones.

July 4, 2010

2010-07-04T14:01:00.000-07:00

May we be grateful for our blessings and dedicated to fight for the freedoms of future generations as past generations have fought for us. May we honor our parents and may God continue to bless America.

Listen to My Interview with KVAY in Lamar, CO

2010-07-02T12:13:00.000-07:00

Chandra Hunter of KVAY 105.7 FM -- Talk of the Valley -- in Lamar, Colorado, was a great hostess. We had a delightful conversation about how to love our aging parents. Thanks, Chandra!

To listen click the arrow.

"I" is For Impact

2010-06-30T13:42:00.001-07:00

A-C-I -- Assessment, Cost, Impact. The last of our three letters is the most important. How does loving your parents affect you? From the very beginning of your involvement in Mom or Dad's healthcare to ultimately losing them. Hard issues to face, harder sometimes not to walk away from.

There are three potential areas of impact: your work, your home, and your individuality. Next, we'll discuss how to deal with each one.

A Different kind of Radio Day

2010-06-26T14:56:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I'm going to the grocery store to pick up soy sauce and salsa, and Green Day's 21 Guns comes on the radio. It was compelling. I sat and listened to the end before getting out of the car. Then I came home and downloaded it on my IPhone -- how I love ITunes -- instant gratification.

I was already reeling from a tearstorm at watching "Remember Me" last night. I'll admit, uncontrollable weeping, at midnight. The movie hit my "I've lost my Mom" spot. Great movie (though not for youngsters even if they love Robert Pattinson, stick to Twilight).

So, this morning I buck up for an interview at 4C.org in San Jose with host Mario del Castillo. Thank you, Mario. Mood seems to have changed. Back in control. Then the fateful trip to the grocery store. (I bought a horse on the way to the WalMart once, well, actually two horses, so shopping trips are not necessarily a good thing for me.)

Now, back home, it's literally minutes before what I'm blessed to do, another radio interview about loving your parents, and I'm swaying melancholically to my IPhone. The real phone rings, and it's time to speak with Chuck Wolfe on WPKN in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Chuck is an expert on Emotional Intelligence, and his program is "The Emotion Roadmap." He has a new DVD applying EI to caring for our aging parents. I was at that moment in need of a little emotional intelligence myself. I was greatly blessed by our conversation, Chuck was a gracious host, and I highly recommend his work if you're caring for your folks.

As soon as Chuck and I say good-bye, back to the IPhone. "When you're at the end of the road, and you've lost all sense of control, and your thoughts have taken their toll....When it's time to live and let die, and you can't get another try, something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins." Yep, just about sums it up for the day.

Tomorrow is Sunday, a new day, a day for worship....and much gratitude.

But for now, I'm sticking to 21 Guns. And letting myself miss my Mom.

Just interviewed on the Northern California CBS Radio Network

2010-06-23T11:15:00.000-07:00

Spent a wonderful 30 minutes with Walt Shaw, host of CBS Radio's Public Affairs Show, aired on KNCI, KHTK, KZZO, KYMX, and KSFM in Northern California. We talked about A-C-I, Assessment, Cost, and Impact, Durable Powers of Attorney, Advanced Medical Directives, parents moving in with children, children moving back in with parents!, and loving your parents (and yourself) through it all.

Thanks, Walt, for the opportunity. It was a pleasure!

The Cost of Caring

2010-06-23T09:38:00.000-07:00

A-C-I Assessment, Cost, and Impact. The three letters you want to think about along the entire aging journey with Mom and Dad. We covered Assessment below, now let's look at Cost.

The cost of caring can be emotional and financial. In this post we'll focus on financial. As I always recommend, do your best with the help of your family to prepare for the worst BEFORE anything happens. Remember all those crazy things we did getting ready for the turn of the century? They weren't needed, but some of us did prepare.

We'll hope Mom and Dad will pass away peacefully at a great age, having lived well and happily, with no healthcare costs incurred, but the possibility of that is getting smaller and smaller.

First, explore the costs of helping Mom and Dad in their home. Someone to mow the grass, do the laundry, light housekeeping. Bonded and insured home care companies are good resources there.

Nest, look at the cost of bringing skilled services into the home. Physical therapists, occupational therapists, registered nurses. Here you want to find a Medicare-certified home healthcare agency. They are highly regulated and held to the highest standards of any home care agency. These costs will be higher, but they can keep Mom and Dad at home longer, and will be less expensive than assisted living.

Finally, visit and find out the costs of independent living, assisted living and skilled nursing facilities in your area, or if you are far from Mom and Dad, the area they are going to live in, maybe near another family member or in their own home town.

Once you have all this information, then you can look at your assessment of where Mom and Dad are mentally, physically, and emotionally, and be prepared to know the costs and how best to meet their healthcare needs each step of the journey.

Just Interviewed on WDBL AM 1590-Springfield, Tennessee

2010-06-22T09:52:00.000-07:00

What a joy and thanks to hosts Dick Veatch and Neal Peterson for having me live on the morning show. Springfield is a beautiful, historical town in Robertson County, about 30 minutes from Nashville, one of my favorite cities in my second favorite state. A beautiful place to move one day!

Thanks to all the WDBL listeners. We'll post a copy of the 15-minute interview as soon as it's available.

Have a great day! Jane Allison

Thanks to MDSuburbs.com

2010-06-22T04:57:00.000-07:00

Thanks to Ken Montville, Real Estate Agent Extraordinaire, for publishing two of my articles at Maryland Suburbs and at Just Another Rumor. One deals with Aging in Place and the other breaks a couple of aging myths. You can follow Ken on Twitter @MDSuburbs. Don't forget, if you walk into a facility and it smells, what do you do?.....Walk away!

Check out Ken's site for great information in this turbulent real estate market.

Thanks, Ken!

Happy Father's Day

2010-06-20T08:46:00.000-07:00

For those of us without earthly fathers, this can be a difficult day. Today can make the loss of a Dad we loved painful and make us want to cry or just hide away at home, like me this past Mother's Day. Many of our fathers are alive, but we are estranged, and are reminded today of the pains the relationship has cause, perhaps made to feel guilty for not wanting to make that "Happy" phone call or send that "Happy" card.

Here are some thoughtful words from one of our readers:

"This is my first Father's Day without my Dad...I cannot believe how incredibly sad I am. I keep thinking back to this time last year which unbeknownst to me would be my last time seeing him. He was so precious. I was so blessed. He was not only a good man, but the best of fathers. I miss him so much. I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow to honor him, but truthfully I try very hard to live each day in honor of him."

What a beautiful tribute to your father, and thank you so much for sharing it with us. You are your father's legacy, and all that he taught you, and inspired you to be, and your honoring him every day are the most beautiful things you can do to celebrate his memory today and every day. I am sorry for your sadness and loss. What beautiful words you write, "He was not only a good man, but the best of fathers."

May you remember the best times today, and I'd say you are doing everything to honor him with your writing and your life. So, with joy through the tears, dear reader, Happy Father's Day!

Welcome to our Joy in the Rain Friends!

2010-06-19T17:51:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much to my new friend Val, who honored me with writing a post for her great blog Joy in the Rain. Please check out her site, what a wonderful name, it fits so many situations, especially caring for our aging parents.

Happy Father's Day! Love your Dad by calling and saying "I love you," or honor his memory in a special way. Looking at old photos, watching the Open if golf was his passion. Or celebrate with your own family and give him a special toast! Enjoy!

First Three Steps When Mom or Dad in Hospital!

2010-06-14T08:45:00.000-07:00

As I wrote recently, a dear friend got the call described below. Here are the first three of seven tips on what to do when your parent is hospitalized.

Have you gotten that call in the middle of the night telling you that your mother who is 2,000 miles away has fallen and is in the hospital? Has your father come for a visit and had a slight stroke? These circumstances can interrupt your everyday life and send you into a state of panic and fear. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENT IS HOSPITALIZED IS TO PUT YOUR PANIC AND WORRY ASIDE AND SHIFT INTO WARRIOR MODE. Here's what you need to do.

1. Don't panic. It is natural to be fearful and overwhelmed when your mother or dad is rushed to the hospital. Accept your feelings as natural, but put them aside right away. YOU ARE YOUR PARENT'S BEST ADVOCATE. If you live far away, immediately call a friend who can go to the hospital and be your liaison on the ground until you get there. You will quickly get frustrated and angry trying to get information about what's happening with Mom or Dad unless you have someone on the scene looking out for YOU and letting you know what's going on. If you can't get to the hospital, there are also elder care advocates like myself who can be your eyes and ears and fight through the system so your parent gets the best care.

2. Contact your mother or dad's physician immediately. As a side note here, it is very important that your parent have a general internist physician (preferably a gerontologist if you can find one) WHO IS WILLING TO FOLLOW YOUR PARENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF NECESSARY. This is obviously something to arrange now, before any unforeseen hospitalization occurs.

Many hospitals now promote to patients a new system of "hospitalists" -- these are physicians who only work at the hospital and don't have a private practice. The problem with this is that your parent will be a new patient to the hospitalist and you might not have the same hospitalist every day. WHAT YOU WANT IS YOUR PARENT'S PHYSICIAN WHO KNOWS YOUR PARENT'S HISTORY TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY AND DIRECT YOUR PARENT'S CARE! This is very important for the continuity of care for your mom or dad and for your comfort. A hospitalist might not pick up on something about your parent that his or her own physician would because of their history together.

3. Don't be intimidated by the hospital system. The reality is that hospitals have their own protocols and systems which may work for them, but may not necessarily work for you! You land in a place that's all new to you -- and they've got the advantage. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the nurses, other staff or the physicians. Hospitals tell us that their mission is to take the best care of their patients, but the reality is the only person who will be looking out for the best interests of your parent is YOU or YOUR ADVOCATE.

When my mother was in the hospital, I walked up to the nurses' station behind which about 10 people were chatting away, and the one who was sitting at the desk right in front of me refused to look up. I finally called out, Hello, anybody home? And they all turned in disbelief, but I got what I needed.

"You have Beautiful Teeth"

2010-06-13T11:10:00.000-07:00

This was something my Mom said every day, whenever she saw me. I don't know how beautiful they are, but I do remember lots of trips to the orthodontists and dentists. Braces, and rubber bands. Today the girls wear colored something or other on the braces, pink, purple, blue. That might have been fun, gone with the colors of our uniforms. My mother always said we looked like a group of Easter Eggs flooding out of school at the end of the day.

But of all the things my mother said, that's the one I hear in my head clearly: "You have beautiful teeth." Suddenly, it dawned on me she really was telling me something. I haven't gone to the dentist in over a year. I'm going this week!

Have a blessed Sunday!

My Friend Got The Scary Phone Call--Mom's in the Hospital

2010-06-12T09:55:00.000-07:00

Got a call yesterday from a friend who got that scary phone call we sometimes have to face caring for our aging parents. Her mother was in the hospital, 2000 miles away. The doctors had put her mother into a coma to stabilize her.

Now the big issue. The hospital was small, and there was no specialist to care for her. They needed to transfer Mom to a larger city hospital, but because of a crisis in that city, the hospital had no beds. My friend arrived after many hours on the plane and four more on the ground to see her Mama in a coma. I tried to support her through it, asked if the doctors thought her Mom could make the trip to a specialist in another hospital in another city in another state (five hours away), and she said they thought she could because she was stabilized. I encouraged her to get her mother there, call ahead and talk to the hospital to get them prepared for her Mom's arrival (don't just count on one hospital to communicate accurately or urgently enough to the other) and get the specialist to give the family the best information, then with that information, make the next decision.

My heart and prayers goes out to my friend and her family in a very special way. I was always blessed to have a great hospital nearby who could take my Mom right away. I can only imagine the emotional trauma and stress on my friend's Dad, her siblings flying in from all over the country, faced with a hospital that can't offer much help, while dealing with the anxiety and fear of how to care for mom and not wanting to lose her just like this.

With love to my friend and blessings to you, Jane Allison

How to Love the Seniors in Your Life

2010-05-27T16:22:00.000-07:00

Caring for our elder loved ones is a process of observing them every step of the journey. Remember, though difficult at times, this can be a very blessed and often poignant experience if you can hold on and stay the course. Keep these three steps in mind to guide you as you care for Mom or Dad: A-C-I -- Assessment, Cost and Impact. Today we’ll look at Step 1, Assessment.

When you begin to notice changes in your folks, that’s the first red flag telling you to figure out where they are -- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Pay attention. If Mom’s suddenly not as strong as she was, seems to be forgetting things, or appears depressed, now is the time to take action. It may be as simple as getting household help once or twice a week, if mowing the lawn or cleaning house is becoming a burden.

If you’re worried your parents are not taking their medications, that’s a more serious step. You might look for a professional caregiver by calling a home health agency that can send a certified individual to help remind them to take their medications. When looking for a good home health agency, your best option is to look for a Medicare-certified home health provider. These are folks who answer to the federal government in terms of being heavily regulated to have the highest standards in delivering care. Certified home health agencies provide the services of skilled nurses, physical, occupational, and speech therapists, and home health aides to help you and your family meet your parents’ needs.

If you need help assessing where your parents are, schedule an appointment with Mom or Dad's primary care physician and accompany them to the doctor’s visit. Be ready for a possible reaction of denial from Mom or Dad. Every family is different, and some parents welcome the help; others, if they feel they are declining but don’t want to acknowledge it, may fight your suggestion that they go to the doctor.

This is where you have to be both insistent and persistent. If you don’t get help, things will only get worse for your parents and for you, unless you choose to walk away, and in my book, that's never an option.

Assess, assess, assess. Ask questions. Next time we’ll discuss the cost of caring for your loved ones and how to prepare financially before you face the challenge.

Cutting-edge Technology Helping Seniors at Home

2010-05-17T05:00:00.001-07:00

Here's a great idea -- bring the hospital monitoring equipment home with you. The microchip company Intel has come out with a new (and user-friendly size, not surprising) monitor that allows a patient to go home from the hospital and still have their vital signs monitored 24 hours a day. Nightingale/Aspire Home Healthcare is the first company to offer these units to its patients across the country. Not only can the machine monitor vital signs, but it can also custom-program rehabilitation exercises, replacing those stick figures the doctors always give us, for days when the physical therapist doesn't visit. To see a demonstration of this cool technology, click here and then click on the Fox News video.

Just Interviewed on KMOX, St. Louis

2010-05-14T20:39:00.000-07:00

Interview went great, thank you to our gracious host. We talked in depth about seniors and those of us caring for them. We covered in detail my three points: ACI -- Assessment, Cost, and Impact, which must be consistently monitored along the journey. Here's a link to the full interview. Click Here

Have a great night, St. Louis, and watch out for those rainstorms!

Mother's Day in Retrospect

2010-05-14T18:15:00.000-07:00

Everyone said last Sunday, Mother's Day, would be a hard day to get through. To me for the last four years, every day has been Mother's Day! So, I wasn't sure how I would be affected by everyone celebrating. I hibernated in the house for a little while, still mourning and wishing I could go in and give my Mom a big kiss and say Happy Mother's Day. Then I started watching the "Mother of a Day" Marathon of movies on Lifetime. Chick flicks -- me, who would be embarrassed to say I liked a chick flick. But there was something affirming about the movies I saw, the relationships between mothers and sons and daughters, the poignancy of love and loss and finding the strength to move on.

I found myself celebrating the life of my Mother and all the wonderful strengths she had, the things she had taught me, and the beautiful times we had together particularly in the last nine months when I was caring for her at home. It was a time to celebrate her not suffering anymore, being grateful that she had gone to be with the Lord peacefully, that I was there with her that last night, and recognizing that she had raised me to be strong enough to move forward even without her.

The photo here may seem strange, but it's precious to me, and it's perfect for Mother's Day. Those are our Shires, they have fancy names, but we call them Mommy (on the right) and Baby. They've been with us since Baby was born, and there's no doubt they enjoy each other the way no two other horses do. Mommy pokes at Baby when she's naughty. Scratches Baby's back when it itches. Mommy lies down to rest, and Baby stands watching over her.

I always dreaded the day my Mother would be gone. But Mother's Day was a happy day, a time for gratitude and love, a time to celebrate life and the importance of taking the time to love the ones dearest to us while they're with us. I had done the best I could to love my Mom to the end, now it was time to move on and help others on that same journey.

Spring is Here!

2010-04-20T14:40:00.000-07:00

My mother frequently said in these last years, "I never knew how much I loved flowers until you started bringing them to me." So this quote from English garden lady par excellence, Vita Sackville-West, struck me with a smile.

"A flowerless room is a soulless room, to my way of thinking; but even one solitary little vase of a living flower may redeem it."

Looking back at the last 30 days

2010-04-16T22:01:00.000-07:00

So, it's been kind of a surreal month. My mother has been gone for one month tomorrow. Daddy went to be with the Lord 11 years ago tomorrow. And they would have celebrated their 50th anniversary this week. And I find myself looking for a red-haired miniature poodle to love. Didn't know they came in red. But I've also learned how lonely my mother must have been after my Daddy passed away -- and too stoic to tell anyone. Also, explains all those QVC purchases. My estate has significantly contributed to Melissa Rivers' estate!

But it's trying to find a life for yourself after you spend all that time caring for your loved one and then they are gone. Easier for me, I'm younger and have work I love and a gracious husband. But without children, filling those suddenly open hours is a fascinating challenge. First the shock and adrenalin, then the weeping tsunami, then the gee, what exactly do I do with my life now.

I found my Mother got a passport shortly after my Dad passed away. They had traveled so much together in their early years. But it made me sad. She never went anywhere with the new passport. Never even mentioned getting it. Where was she dreaming of going?

My friends have been loving and incredibly supportive, and I am blessed and grateful. But every day the answer to the how are you doing question changes. I find that's an evolving and unpredictable experience.

Blessings, Jane Allison

You're With the Lord, Mama

2010-04-08T15:46:00.001-07:00

I miss you but know you're with the Lord and Daddy. You always asked, "What's Daddy doing in heaven?" Now you know. You were the best!

All my love.

Dorothy Katherine Lee
January 9, 1923-March 17, 2010

Sitting By Mama's Side

2010-02-27T12:17:00.001-08:00

So, the good news is Mama's out of the hospital, and back in our home away from home at the wonderful nursing facility, so that she can be closely monitored. But when I went in today she was fast asleep and breathing deeply, so I held and stroked her left hand (which didn't wake her up, unusual) and watched her sleep for about a half hour. In my heart, I relived our lives together and told her without words out loud all the things I was thankful for that she did: all those lessons, piano, tap, dance, violin, ice skating--she was hoping to find me have talent in something!

Then I laughed inside about the things I didn't like -- and told her those, too, in my heart -- those yeast drinks -- it was the 70s -- that I had to devour (YUK!) before I got to any lesson, sitting in the backseat of the car. Can't even get close to the smell of beer without going "Yuk" to this day -- hmmm, maybe that was the plan! And running away from home when I was sixteen, driving to my friend's house because I thought my life was boring, and I had to spice it up -- but I guess my plan was too obvious, because when I came out of her house to go home two hours later, there were my Mom and Dad calmly sitting in their car, waiting for me.

But there was little to be upset about. She gave me love, introduced me to Christ, gave me a beautiful education--with no student loans left over -- how I just took that for granted! And sent me to all these really cool places around the world. I always went on my own, they never went with me, a bit strange since I always thought it would be fun to travel together, but maybe I was boring company or she just didn't want to get in the way. Then a beautiful wedding, where Daddy, halfway through Alzheimer's but still looking handsome in his tuxedo, got out of the limo at the church before me, and then closed the door behind him, leaving me inside, with him smiling at the camera -- a big beautiful smile I can still see! He was able to walk me down the aisle, though he wasn't sure quite what to do with me when we arrived at the altar, Mama took him by the hand and led him to the pew, and he was able to give a beautiful prayer at our reception.

My Mom looked gorgeous. She was 72 and looked like a million dollars with her beautiful hair, high heels, and elegant long velvet gown.. She got to wear my favorite color, black, to the wedding. I wanted to wear black but was told that would be inappropriate, so when she asked if she could wear it, I was thrilled, and said well somebody needs to! She was more beautiful than the bride!

I still remember driving around Glendale, where I went to elementary school, sitting in the backseat -- always in the backseat! -- listening to her 8-track tapes: Frank Sinatra, A Star is Born, Helen Reddy -- and whenever that Helen Reddy song would come on, "You and me against the world" and it came to the part, "And when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on, then remembering we'll have to do, our memories alone will get us through, think about the days of me and you, you and me against the world" -- I, even as a little girl felt the import of those words and dreaded that day that might one day come.

So, then back in Room 5A this morning, I told her silently everything, how much I loved her, how great she was and is, let her sleep, kissed her, and I slipped away. I then felt the urge as I was driving home to stop at our favorite flower shop and have them deliver flowers this afternoon so she would see them when she woke up. She told me a few years ago, that she never knew how much she loved flowers until I started sending them to her. She's always loved beauty, so I wanted her to be surprised and see something beautiful when she woke up.

The lady asked me if I wanted to include a card. No, I said, she'll know who they're from. Then I changed my mind and went over to the cards and picked the one that said "Thank You" and wrote on it "for being a Great Mom. I love you!"

Hopefully, she will enjoy the beautiful reds and yellows and lilies when she wakes up and smile.

The Last Stage of Life

2010-02-26T12:50:00.000-08:00

Flubbed a little, but it was emotional.

Mama's Out of the Hospital

2010-02-15T20:01:00.000-08:00

I'm so glad. She's back in our favorite skilled nursing facility for now -- thank you, ladies, our home away from home! When I went in to see her at the hospital, the other night she was so much better, I said, "You're back!" She said, "I hope I stay back!" Yeah, me too!!! Thank you, Lord.

Mom's In Hospital

2010-02-09T14:33:00.000-08:00

Congestive heart failure, that was a shock. But she is in great hands in the hospital. All the advocacy and planning have stood us well for her care to this point. Grateful to our wonderful doctors and nurses. I just pray this isn't the end. Not ready yet! Thank you all for your prayers. Blessings, Jane Allison

This Says it All -- A Tribute to Mom

2010-01-24T17:15:00.000-08:00

I found this tonight on our buffet table in a frame. I remember giving it to my Mom when I was a teenager. Still applies today!

Mother, You Mean So Much To Me

Mother, you brought me up so loving with so much thought and care,
and set a fine example that I'm always proud to follow.
You did the things that counted....
things I'm thankful for today.

You have always given so unselfishly...
the values you've taught me,
the sacrifices you made for me,
the confidence you have given me
have all contributed to make my life happy and full.

You helped me and encouraged me to do my very best,
preparing me and showing me the way to handle problems in life.

And when things weren't working out, and I was very worried,
you cheered me up and inspired me to make a new beginning.
You understood me and gave me hope as no one else could do.

Mother, in a world of uncertainty, nothing means more than knowing
your love and loyalty only grow stronger.

---Larry S. Chengges

From Chopped Liver to As Big as the World! I'm Moving UP!

2010-01-23T16:19:00.000-08:00

This morning I go into see my Mom. Good morning, beautiful, I say. Just to make sure we know where we are, I ask her who I am, and she comes up with my whole name, first two names, maiden name and married name. WOW! Then she's looking at me, and I say "What are you thinking about?" "You." "What about me?" "How much I love you." "How much?" "As big as the world." Alright, that did it, I'm officially not chopped liver!

Keep loving your parents, even through the major ups and downs, those special moments are priceless!

Chopped Liver and a Life Lesson

2010-01-16T19:44:00.000-08:00

Mom just said about Darlene, our caregiver tonight, "She's a very nice lady." Which she is. So, of course, fishing for a compliment (bad idea), I said, "What am I?" Hesitancy on my mother's part. "Chopped liver?" I ask. She says, "Yes, chopped liver." That's me, I said. "Well," my Mom says, "It was your idea!" -:)

Here's the life lesson: what you think of yourself may be what you get others to think of you, too! Great mamas never stop teaching....

Here's Your Sunday Verse-Beautiful Benediction

2010-01-10T09:54:00.000-08:00

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority before all time and now and forever." Jude 24-25.

Have a blessed Sunday!

Party Party!

2010-01-09T12:20:00.000-08:00

Cards, chocolate and lots of love!

January 9-Mama turns 87 today!

2010-01-09T05:18:00.000-08:00

But she's got the skin of a 40-year-old. No one believes her age. We're going to celebrate. So glad I got to wake her at 4 a.m. -- I woke up, she was up, with a Happy Birthday kiss! Guess what she's going to get for her birthday? Chocolat! Is that chocolada in Spanish, still learning! Thank you to all of you who have sent such lovely messages here online, on Twitter and FB, about my Mom, and your words of encouragement. We are truly blessed! Happy Saturday!

Happy New Year 2010!

2009-12-31T23:56:00.000-08:00

As I write, it is four minutes until midnight 2010, Pacific Time! I am thankful for 2009 --my Mama lived through another year, she is comfortable and smiling, I have been blessed by a loving and supportive husband, and I have had the honor and privilege of working with many seniors who are going through physically challenging times as we help care for them from the hospital or skilled nursing facility to home.

May 2010 be your best year ever! I'm off to kiss my Mama Happy New Year!

Cheers and blessings, Jane Allison

P.S. She liked the kiss, but then she said, "There's a long white box on a table here somewhere that has chocolate inside. Could you bring me that please?" Sure, why not, it's New Year's Eve!

Santa Brought Mommy Chocolate-or Did He?

2009-12-26T18:51:00.000-08:00

My Mother loves chocolate, but check out the photo of what Santa brought her this year. Not what you might expect! (Yes, he brought her the real stuff, too!) Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T08:29:00.000-08:00

This is the day the Word became flesh and dwelt among us -- what a miracle -- God came down in human form to be among us -- to ultimately die for our salvation, so that God the Father would see Christ's atoning blood and reckon it to us as salvation to forgive us of our sins so that we who accept Christ as our Savior and Lord, repent of our sins, and accept Christ's sacrifice on the cross as atonement for our sins may be reconciled to the Father for all eternity! Blows me away every time I think of it, even shed tears as I write. I can never not cry when I think about it.

What King could we imagine here on earth, a human one, who would expect to be born, almost anonymously, in a stable of all places, as humble as could be, without the trappings we value so much on earth. Think of the beautiful cribs we buy for our babies, and the rooms we set up. And yet He was the perfect son of the God who created all. And He came to us as a humble baby, and spent the first 30 years of his life again almost anonymously and worked as a laborer. Not just a miracle -- the most beautiful of miracles! Fall on your knees and hear the angels' voices, O, Night Divine, O, Night When Christ was born. Hallelujah! And Praises to God in the Highest!

On an earthly level, as I write this early in the morning, my Mama is tucked away with visions of sugar plums dancing in her head. I woke her up at 6 a.m. and said Merry Christmas! It's Christmas, she said. Yep, what day is that, I asked. December 25--she got it right. Whose birthday is it? Jesus'. I'm listening to Celine Dion's beautiful rendition of O Holy Night -- Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise we, Noel, Noel, O Night, O Night Divine.

May you and your loved ones have a beautiful, sacred, blessed Christmas. And may we forever be grateful for the greatest gift of all!

Home Health Agencies Not All the Same

2009-11-23T15:13:00.000-08:00

What is a home health agency? Whether your Mom or Dad has been in the hospital or is coming home from a nursing facility after rehabilitation or a recuperative stay, they may qualify under Medicare or private insurance for follow-up care by a home health agency. Some people also look for extra help that is not covered by insurance, and home health agencies provide these services as well. However, not all home health agencies are created equally.

Medicare-certified home health agencies come under the strictest governmental regulations and provide many benefits and services. They allow an individual to go home after a hospital visit with skilled nursing and physical and occupational therapy care. There are many home health agencies that operate without government regulation. Whether you are choosing a home health agency for private duty, Medicare or other insurance-covered services, the best ones will typically be those that are Medicare-certified.

To search for ratings on the best Medicare-certified home health agencies in your area, click here.

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T19:06:00.002-07:00

My Mother's favorite day, I think, after Christmas and Easter. Why? Candy, candy, candy. "What kind of candy do you like?" "Any kind!" My sweet trick-or-treater.

Thank you, San Diego Hospice!

2009-10-22T06:07:00.000-07:00

Revocable Living Trust v. Will

2009-10-19T06:15:00.000-07:00

You Need Will-Brenda's Question From New York!

2009-10-17T13:52:00.000-07:00

What a Moment! Mrs. Smith Goes to Washington

2009-10-09T20:55:00.000-07:00

We had the honor of lunching in the Senate Dining Room Wednesday -- this is a view that took my breath away as I snapped what we saw from a location at the Capitol where the public rarely gets to stand. Ask me about the experience going through the security gate! And parking next to the President of the Senate! What a day! Standing and gazing at this site brought tears to me eyes....thinking of what our country stands for and represents, the heritage, the ideals. My favorite city in the world. God Bless America, and may we in turn be a blessing to others.

Love Other People's Parents, Too!

2009-10-09T19:38:00.001-07:00

Helen just celebrated her 95th birthday! Who could guess?

Get Your Parents to Read!

2009-10-06T18:01:00.000-07:00

Here's Mama reading the great Book 212 degrees--the difference between success and failure via the boiling water metaphor is one degree. In her advanced state of dementia, if I asked her if she would like to read something, she'd say no. But if I put something to read in her hands, she starts reading. She read this book for two hours, and then I asked her, "What was the book about?" And she said, "About a man who had nothing and became something!"

Don't underestimate your Mom or Dad's ability to engage. Talk to them, if there eyes are good, put something with big letters in their hands, ask them about what they're reading. Keep those brain cells active! And have fun while your're doing it!

A Beautfiul, Timely Psalm -- 33-- New American Standard Bible

2009-10-06T12:05:00.000-07:00

Sing for joy in the Lord, oh you righteous ones;
Praise is becoming to the upright.
Give thanks to the Lord with the lyre;
Sing praises to Him with a heart of ten strings.
Play skillfully with a shout of joy.
For the word of the Lord is upright,
And all His work is done in faithfulness.
He loves righteousness and justice;
The world is full of the lovingkindness of the Lord.

By the word of the Lord the heavens were made,
And by the breath of His mouth all their host.
He gathers the waters of the sea together as a heap;
He lays up the deep in storehouses.
Let all the earth fear the Lord;
Let all the inhabitants of the earth stand in awe of Him.
For He spoke, and it was done.
He commanded, and it stood fast.
The Lord nullifies the counsel of the nations;
He frustrates the plans of the people.
The counsel of the Lord stands forever,
The plans of His heart from generation to generation.
Blessed is the nation whose God is the Lord,
The people whom He has chosen for His own inheritance.

The Lord looks from heaven;
He sees the sons of men;
From His dwelling place He looks out
On all the inhabitants of the earth,
He who fashions the hearts of them all,
He who understands all their works.

The king is not saved by a mighty army;
A warrior is not delivered by great strength.
A horse is a false hope for victory;
Nor does it deliver anyone by its great strength.

Behold, the eye of the Lord is on those who fear Him,
On those who hope for his lovingkindness,
To deliver their soul from death
And to keep them alive in famine.
Our soul waits for the Lord;
He is our help and our shield.
For our heart rejoices in Him,
Because we trust in His holy name.
Let Your lovingkindness, O Lord, be upon us,
According as we have hoped in You.

Amen.

Italics mine. Blessings, Jane Allison

Talk to Your Parents--Especially if they Have Dementia

2009-10-05T22:44:00.000-07:00

Keep your parents' brain cells stimulated, even if your mother says you talk too much!

Kathy from Nebraska Says--My Aging Parents Are Driving Me Crazy!

2009-10-05T21:47:00.000-07:00

Favorite Quote of the Day -- Service

2009-10-05T21:36:00.000-07:00

Truly great leaders understand that leadership is all about the opportunity to serve people and add quality to their life. Unknown

Caregivers--Take Care of Yourself!

2009-10-04T12:31:00.000-07:00

What a lovely still frame! My friend, Jeff Rivera, was visiting from New York City and took this as a PRACTICE -- like we were on a Hollywood set. But gotta love that real background!

Thanks for watching. If they're still here, call your Mom and Dad and tell them you love them! It will make their Sunday! Blessings, Jane Allison

Love Your Parents and They'll Love You Back!

2009-10-03T08:00:00.000-07:00

Here is a quick tip -- no make-up or hair, all vanity aside, here we go! Blessings, Jane Allison

Fairy Tales and Dragons

2009-10-02T23:30:00.000-07:00

"Fairy Tales are more than true; not because they tell us that dragons exist, but because they tell us that dragons can be beaten."
G. K. Chesterton

My Mom's a YouTube Star!

2009-10-02T17:05:00.000-07:00

Okay, so I was supposed to use my FlipCam to record elder care tips, but since I was shy (I did them, they're upcoming) -- I thought I would start with one of my pretty Mama. So, here she is in her debut. The backstory is that every time I leave the room after talking with her, she turns to our caregiver and says, "She sure talks a lot!" Oh, well. Hope you enjoy! Love, Jane Allison

Ready for the big time!

2009-10-01T19:38:00.000-07:00

Flipcam in hand -- ready to add those videos for #eldercare tips -- only problem is I have to be in them! I'll do my best! Hope you enjoy.

Dementia Cases Expected to Jump Significantly

2009-09-21T10:02:00.000-07:00

A new study says dementia cases are expected to rise quickly over the next years. It is so important for individuals and families to prepare for elder care while there is still time!

Nightingale Home Healthcare

2009-09-19T12:09:00.001-07:00

What an amazing week! I had the privilege of spending three days in Carmel, Indiana, visiting the beautiful new headquarters of the family-run company, Nightingale Home Healthcare.

Nightingale serves the Midwest -- Indiana, Illinois, Chicago, Minnesota -- and Las Vegas and Southern California -- caring for family elders in their homes and assisted nursing facilities.

I was delighted to visit hospitals and homes with the loving nurses, physical therapists, and patient advocates of Nightingale. The company was founded and is led by Dr. Dev Brar and his lovely wife, Piper Brar, who is also an RN.

Dr. Brar founded Nightingale with the purpose and vision to provide great service to care for elder parents and support us children through the difficult times of aging.

For more information on how Nightingale can help you and your loved ones, please visit homecareforyou.com

Thank you, Dr. Brar, Elizabeth, Pat, Jo Ann, Greg, Craig, Jason, Nurse Ryan, Physical Therapist Kelly, Patient Advocate Pam, Della, and Piper for a fabulous week!

If your loved one is facing coming home after hospitalization or needs extra care at home, please give these great folks a call! They will smooth your way and take great care of you and your Mom or Dad.

Advisor to ParentGiving.com Helps Mom Taking Care of Mom

2009-08-26T18:51:00.001-07:00

Good article on a loving daughter caring for a mother with Alzheimer's in NY Times Fashion and Style section. Ultimate help came from a lady who is an expert adviser to the great online magazine parentgiving.com.

Published Today on California American Chronicle

2009-08-26T15:33:00.000-07:00

I am delighted to share that my article on my Mom's hydrocephalus disorder and surgical treatment was just published by American Chronicle!

While you're here, please sign up for our free newsletter and two free reports on What you Need to Know if You're Caring for an Elderly Parent!

The Laugh's on Me!

2009-08-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

This is great. I go in to give my Mom her evening pills, and she says, "I think I'm lucky." "Lucky for what?" I ask. "Lucky that I get my pills." So I think lucky that we have the pills, lucky she has a loving daughter to give her the pills. Then my friend Kathy says, "Well, at least tonight you remembered the pills." Suddenly my mother's statement took on a whole new meaning!

The Scary Moments -- Mom's Surgery for Hydrocephalus Disorder

2009-08-24T22:41:00.000-07:00

I remember last year when my mother had to have a shunt put in her head because she had hydrocephalus, a disorder caused by water on the brain. At the time I was living at home back east and had not seen her for several months (she being in CA) in a skilled nursing facility. I had come out for a two-week visit, which ended up lasting several months.

I thought my mother seemed a bit off from the last time I'd visited, and asked our doctor to do a CT Scan to learn if there was any need for treatment. The CT scan showed the hydrocephalus -- water on the brain. The treatment for hydrocephalus disorder is operating to put a shunt in the patient's head. The neurosurgeons are able to put in a valve that releases the pressure -- very cool intellectually but not so cool in practice. The National Institute of Neurological Disorders and Stroke offers great information on the symptoms and treatment of hydrocephalus.

My Mom is strong, but I thought I would fall apart when the anesthesiologist brought me into the patient recovery room -- verboten typically for family members to be brought in there, to comfort my mother. Holding my Bingo (firstborn Newfoundland) as we had to put her down, same with Wildfire my horse, and losing in a coma my beautiful Ringo (Bingo's "little" (190 lbs.) brother), prepared me for this moment. But barely.

I walked in and there was my mother lying in bed with one side of her head shaved, dried blood in all the scary places, staples, she completely out of it, and looking at me, saying, "Please Miss, Please Help Me, Miss, Please Help Me," for about 30 minutes. It was all I could do not to freak out on the scene. So I called on Christ's strength, refused to cry, asked them to up the morphine as much as they could (my mother always tolerated pain very well, consistently refusing pain medication, so I knew she was in agony.)

I held her hand and told her we would be okay. We were going to get through this together. I loved her and so did the Lord and she was going to be just fine.

The treatment worked, she recovered beautifully and came back to life, able to talk more and became much more aware of what was going on around her. But those piercing eyes and pleading voice haunt me to this day.

Here's the lesson I learned from losing my beloved Ringo, Wildfire and Bingo, and then facing my Mom in the recovery room, looking like a picture out of a horror movie: When you encounter those moments with your loved ones, hang in there for them and forget about yourself. Let out your breath and do your crying AFTER it's all over. Loving them best at these times often means forgetting yourself in the moment and focusing solely on them. It's hard but you CAN do it!

Hospice Care -- Know the Ins and Outs

2009-08-22T01:09:00.000-07:00

Hospice care comes under Part A of Medicare, just like hospitalization. It is available to those at home, in assisted living facilities, skilled nursing facilities, and hospice hospitals.

Not all hospice care is for those who are terminal. The San Diego Hospice and Institute for Palliative Medicine has its own hospice hospital and serves patients throughout San Diego County in multiple facilities and individual homes.

The Institute also specializes in research and development of palliative treatment for acute cases in hospitals where the patient is not terminal.

The National Hospice Foundation (NHF) has a terrific site full of information on hospice programs and guidance for use throughout the 50 states.

NHF is currently requesting stories of patient's hospice experiences and those of hospice workers to post on their site. To share your story Click Here!

Special Moments

2009-08-21T18:29:00.000-07:00

You can't recreate special moments, you can only create new ones.

It was my birthday recently, and I was blessed with a wonderful celebration. After a morning filled with bouquets of lovely flowers, email, voicemail, and social media birthday wishes and time spent with my mother and dear friends, we topped the night off (an unusual evening out) with a DELICIOUS array of vegetarian sushi and sparkling wine (Sofia--a new favorite, though I feel a traitor to my French roots). We gobbled it all down in 30 minutes to make the next showing of the latest Harry Potter movie -- I was on cloud nine, happy as a lark. What a wonderful day.

Three days later I wanted that same experience again. So, I picked up the same sushi from the restaurant, got those cute little cans of Sparkling Sofia, sat out on the patio with my friend and my Maman just inside the door in her room -- and what I discovered, it wasn't the same. It was nice, it was pleasant, but it didn't have the thrill of those birthday moments.

This got me thinking about our parents, as they age, and how we remember holidays and great times together, going shopping with Mom, or a ballgame with Dad, and now we grieve because they are lying in bed and can no longer walk, or they don't recognize us anymore. And we wish we could relive those special moments -- but we can't. We'll never be able to make them happen again, they are gone forever.

But as I discovered that same afternoon on the balcony, we can experience new special moments. My girlfriend, Kathy, and I splashed our champagne with cranberry juice and I poured some for my mother in her plastic cup with a straw. "How is it?" I asked. "Delicious," she said with a big smile on her face, "Absolutely delicious."

That was a new special moment.

WOW! Almost 60,000 Have Quit AARP Since July 1

2009-08-19T15:48:00.000-07:00

President Obama's proposed health care plan and the position of the nation's largest association of seniors on that plan has lost it nearly 60,000 members since July 1, CBS reports.

Honor Your Father and Mother!

2009-08-16T07:41:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite of the Ten Commandments is: “Honor your father and your mother, that your days may be prolonged in the land which the Lord your God gives you.” Exodus 20:12 New American Standard Bible (NASB).

In Paul’s Letter to the Ephesians, he writes “Children, obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right. HONOR YOUR FATHER AND MOTHER (which is the first commandment with a promise), SO THAT IT MAY BE WELL WITH YOU AND SO THAT YOU MAY LIVE LONG ON THE EARTH.” Ephesians 6:1-3 NASB (emphasis in original).

Beyond respecting and obeying them as children, I believe that caring for our parents through their elder years is one of the finest, toughest, and most rewarding opportunities we have to honor them. We don’t do it for the purpose of prolonging our own days, but the importance to God of our honoring our parents is made clear by His promise of prolonging our days.

Here's to you loving your parents!

Pending Hospital Tests and Discharges

2009-08-15T22:23:00.000-07:00

Check this new study out!

America: A Utlitarian State?

2009-08-15T19:48:00.000-07:00

Elders and others are rightly concerned that our land of liberty is turning into a utilitarian state.

"Pragmatism is the notion that meaning or worth is determined by practical consequences. It is closely akin to utilitarianism, the belief that usefulness is the standard of what is good. To a pragmatist/utilitarian, if a technique or course of action has the desired effect, it is good. If it doesn't seem to work, it must be wrong." John F. MacArthur, Ashamed of the Gospel

Mom and Me and a Party for More than Three!

2009-08-10T11:57:00.000-07:00

Loving Mama over the weekend right at home! Check out her glamour girl earrings! She got all dressed up for our special guests -- John and Jeanette -- after almost 30 years apart. Together again thanks to Facebook and their drive all the way from Scottsdale to San Diego! What a wonderful time!

New Publications on American Chronicle

2009-08-10T00:25:00.001-07:00

Newly Published by Jane Allison Austin on American Chronicle: "Long-Term Health Care Insurance" You've got it, now what will it do for you? And if you're considering buying long-term care insurance, different rates for different daily rates in nursing homes apply.Click Here to Learn What You Need to Know for Yourself and Your Parents.

Popular Article by Jane Allison also published on American Chronicle: "An RN Speaks Out on Nursing Homes" Click Here!

My Parent Has Long-Term Care Insurance-Now What?-Part 2

2009-08-06T17:38:00.001-07:00

In "My Mom Has Long-Term Care Insurance-How do I Interview Nursing Homes-Part 1," we looked at the importance of first determining the per diem rate your parent's long-term care insurance policy provides. You will want to check with your health care insurance company to find out exactly how much the policy your parent purchased will pay to a nursing home for your parent's daily care.

This question is very important because different health care insurance companies provide different long-term care insurance policies purchased at different rates.

One daughter told me that her health care insurance company told her that she could pick any nursing home for her mother, so she immediately wanted to know what to look for in nursing homes.

Great question, but the first question to ask is how much will you have to spend under the terms of your parent's long-term care insurance company policy -- how much in additional funds will you or your parent have to pay if you pick a nursing home of better quality than the per diem allowable cost of Mom or Dad's long-term care plan.

As you're looking at nursing homes, ask what is the nursing homes' daily cost? Will there be extra charges for diapers, gloves, wipes, laundry, medicine? If you have to purchase these, they CAN be brought in from the outside. Don't pay the rates the nursing home charges--that's usually where they make extra money. Save your money for the important expenses. Go to Costco or Sam's Club or order on line.

There are also outside mail-order pharmacies for any medications covered or not by Medicare or secondary insurance. A good nursing home facility will help you arrange for that. If not, you can also do it on your own.

If you're looking for an inexpensive tool to discover free resources and giveaways for seniors Click Here!

Many facilities have trouble finding quality nurses to work in their facilities. Often you will see that they don't even have every shift covered by one registered nurse.

This is a bad sign.

You should also look at the most recent state health board report on the nursing home facility. Check out how many negative notices have been made against the nursing homes your are looking at. Often times, nursing homes will be cited for not giving medications at the proper time (very important) or skipping them altogether. Ask also what is the turnover rate of staff?

Stop in some time during the week when the nursing homes are not typically expecting family visitors and ask to take a tour -- look through the entire facility. Is there a cup with a straw and filled water pitcher by each person's bed? Is there a television, telephone?

How will you reach your parent by phone? Will your Mom or Dad have to use a cell phone to talk to you? Will you have to rely on the nurse's desk to take a phone to your parent's when you call (good luck with that!). Communication between the elder and family members is crucial to the elder's mental health. Make sure you and your family members can communicate easily with Mom or Dad.

Also ask to look into the shower areas and see how clean they are.

And, of course, as I recommended in Part 1, talk to other family members of other patients. But still make sure you make a surprise visit during the week to really see what happens when the nursing home is not typically expecting visitors.

Also, find out about doctors. Does the facility have a Medical Director who visits or is on call? Typically, only the highest-end facilities do. So, you need to make sure that your parent's physician will come to the nursing home you choose or that it's easy for you to arrange for transportation to the doctor's office.

I've written before and will mention again that elder and disability transportation services are one of the highest growth areas of necessary services as boomers and our parents age. Many available services are run very poorly.

If you are looking for a growth business, I recommend strongly that you check out elder/disability transportation service opportunities. This resource I'm recommending may look a little intimidating at first but it's a great investment in learning how to build a transportation service company--Click Here!

I can tell you from first-hand experience that a well-organized, caring, service-oriented transportation company for the aging and disabled will attract many clients, both private individuals and families as well as nursing home facilities that have to arrange for transportation of their patients to and from hospitals and doctors' appointments.

Finally, meals. Some facilities do not want to serve individuals in bed because they want them up and out, they say, it's more social for the seniors, but it's also more work for the staff. You should find a nursing home facility that will allow meals to be served in the room, at the patient's discretion. There may be days or come a time when your parent will want/need meals to be served in bed.

Keep in mind, you are not alone through all of this. We offer telephone consultations to guide you through your health care planning, both pre-planning and emergency situations. To contact us, Click Here!

Blessings and encouragement, Jane Allison

My New Article On Nursing Homes Published Today On American Chronicle!

2009-08-01T15:05:00.000-07:00

Please click here to read!

An RN Speaks Out On Nursing Facilities-What To Ask and What to Look Out For!

2009-07-30T17:37:00.001-07:00

We talk with a lot of clients about nursing homes. I have asked a licensed RN who visits multiple nursing homes to share with us her observations and thoughts on care in these facilities. Very inciteful.

I hope this is helpful to you as you care for your parents. As always, please share any comments you have below. Thanks to my friend for her great contribution.

This is in response to a request I've gotten to post my ad hoc observations about nursing homes and how they differ, and how to know if your loved one is getting the appropriate care.

First, I strongly recommend the Medicare website, which has a Nursing Home Compare section with a ton of information.

Next, keep in mind that I am still very new to working with nursing homes, so my observations have their limits. I welcome input/comments from anyone who can expand, elaborate, contradict, or otherwise enhance these comments. For example, I don't actually know what regulations nursing homes have to follow, and what information they are required to provide to the public. With all that said, here we go.

Here's what I like to see:

-- Nurses who know the patients well, and can easily talk about their eating habits, the "as needed" medications they've had to take, and their physical status without having to look something up.

-- Patients who need to be fed actually being fed, instead of having their tray sit in front of them untouched for 45 minutes without anything to keep the food warm, or any indication that they DO get fed -- at all. (TIP: schedule a stealth visit at mealtime.)

-- Patients with significant debilities nonetheless being encouraged and helped to get out of bed and into some sort of chair if at all possible.

-- Clear, detailed documentation of any wounds and their treatment (including measurements) that is (1) easy to access, and (2) updated AT LEAST weekly (you'll only be able to legally access records for your own family members).

-- Appropriate use of "as needed" medication for pain, agitation, or other distressing symptoms.

-- A clean, bright environment with no evidence of broken equipment.

-- A low pressure ulcer acquisition rate, and someone who can tell you what it is.

-- Activities for residents.

-- A wide variety of services provided by the facility (not contracted), including physical therapy, speech therapy, occupational therapy, behavioral therapy, dieticians, and so on.

-- Staff that clearly enjoys working together and at the facility

That's a start. I'm sure there are folks reading this who could add more.

Please add any thoughts or comments below. Especially if you are an RN, please share with us your insights. If you are looking for a nursing facility, keep these and other facts discussed below in other posts in mind as you search for a facility. Take great care of your parents in this area and the reward will be tremendous!

Blessings, Jane Allison

My Mom Has Long-Term Care Insurance -- How Do I Interview Nursing Homes? - Part 1

2009-07-28T13:28:00.000-07:00

It is SO important at this juncture to research, research, research.

First find out what is the per diem on your mother or father's long-term care insurance. Different plans pay different amounts per day.

Every facility has a per diem, and any difference between what your insurance provides and what the actual cost of the nursing home facility is would come out of you or your parent's pocket.

A long-term policy might pay $114 a day, but the best nursing home facilities may charge $250 or more. (This is also important to think about in your 40s when you start looking at purchasing long-term care insurance.)

So, have your insurance paramaters straight before you journey out into the unknown nursing home world.

The first thing you want to notice as you walk into a nursing home facility, is does it smell? If it does, walk out. Bad smelling facilities are poorly run. It means that the patients are not being changed and cleaned routinely. It also means the staff and director are willing to tolerate that -- which raises concerns about what other poor care they are willing to tolerate.

I would ask to meet with the Director of Nursing (DON), not just the Admissions Director or Assistant, who are basically the sales people. If the DON is not willing to make an appointment to meet with you, I would go elsewhere. It is unusual for the request to be made, most people don't know to ask. But he or she is the person who runs the facility, if it is skilled nursing, so it is very important to interview them.

Ask the DON what the staff turnover rate is, what is their proportion of CNAs, LVNs (who give medicine) and RNs per patient. How many charge nurses are on duty (those who sit at the desk) during each shift. This should also be posted somewhere on a wall in the entry way by law in most states.

In Part 2 we'll focus on the difficulties many nursing home facilities have in training and keeping good staff, and how to give your Mom or Dad the best chance to get into the best nursing facility.

Exercise For Seniors -- The Happiest Way to Live!

2009-07-26T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have to admit I hated golf. Tennis was always my thing growing up in L.A. Loved Breakfast at Wimbledon, the whole thing. Instant gratification (or not) every time you hit the ball, and the points went fast.

Then I married my husband. A golfer -- the most boring sport known to me. Slow, slow, slow...Then I watched him play. And man, did he think, and analyze, and think and analyze each shot. And walk and walk and walk. Me, too. Enlightened me: There's a lot of thinking involved with this game...It's very strategic...

So, now here's my pitch, to mix sports metaphors. One of the most important things for our aging parents to do is exercise. Here is a great place to answer your questions on the benefits of exercise for seniors.

Tennis for some may no longer be an option. (Tennis Elbow a problem? Click Here!)

But how about my new favorite? Golf? I'm even learning how to play. Putting's my best -- I think it was all that miniature golf as a kid. Here's a resource I also found for lots of great tips for senior golfers seeking exercise, a great game and fellowship.

Balance is also important as our parents get older. My mother is bedridden because over time she refused to get out of bed and now her internal equilibrium causes her to feel like she's falling even when she is lying in bed. That's why I press this point so hard: I don't want what happened to my mother to happen to yours. Here is a great resource for balance exercises for your Mom or Dad to work on now. Click for info here.

If Mom or Dad prefers swimming, Click Here!

Exercise works the brain, the soul and the body -- and it's one of the best social activities around. So get your folks out there, study how to improve your game together, if you're golfing, enjoy the links and remember the golfer's goal -- long and straight!

How to Talk with Your Parents About their Future!

2009-07-26T00:22:00.000-07:00

Recommended by Mike Gamble @Mike_Gamble on Twitter -- An excellent Article! How to Talk About Caregiving with Your Aging Parents, written by Julie Davis, Managing Editor of ParentGiving.com http://bit.ly/ZC6fA

Elder Hallucinations Can Be Scary!

2009-07-25T07:33:00.000-07:00

My mother hallucinated last night -- these are bits of the scary part of caring for an elder parent. From the living room, I heard her say, "I don't want any more orange juice." But as far as I knew, we were the only ones in the house.

I went it and asked about the juice. She said the nurse was making her drink more orange juice. "Which nurse," I asked, playing along. "The one right there." Okey-dokey. "How 'bout some water instead" Okay, she said.

My mother's on a mimumum amount of medication compared to many her age for which I am grateful. These hallucinations -- her mother, my Daddy, her old bosses, folks coming to a dinner party -- were more prevalent at the skilled facility, when she wasn't being talked to and engaged all day long like she is here at home.

So, I guess if I were alone, I'd make up friends, too. The first time it happened, I freaked out, but was told that it's typical with forms of even mild dementia.

Just as long as all she's looking at is a nurse wanting to give her orange juice. If the bad guys come, I might have to pull out my imaginary guns.

Just Published at American Chronicle

2009-07-22T20:53:00.000-07:00

Powers of Attorney and Advance Medical Directives - What Every Adult Child Must Know - Part 1

Honored to have this publihsed today! Read article at American Chronicle and stay tuned for Part 2.

Cheers and thanks for your support!

Durable Powers of Attorney, Powers of Attorney for Healthcare, and Advanced Medical Directives--The Law

2009-07-18T07:22:00.000-07:00

One of THE most important issues to talk to your parents about is their executing a Durable Power of Attorney -- (POA) or (DPOA) in some states, an Advanced Medical Directive and Power of Attorney for Healthcare.

If your parent has a stroke, heart attack, or is unconscious for a period of time, these documents must be in place to make your helping them as easy as possible so you can focus on loving them through it and not the attending medical legal issues. Any good attorney can prepare all of them for you. Please do it now before a sudden healthcare matter arises.

The Durable Power of Attorney will allow you or whomever your parent appoints to make decisions, pay their bills, handle conversations with Medicare and insurance while they are out of commission. I usually recommend a POA that does not require a physician's determination of the incapacity of the elder. But parents need to understand that the POA can be used even when they are fully conscious, so there are some safeguards I put around that, which we will discuss later.

Advanced Medical Directives tell your parents' physicians what they want done or not done for them if they're in a critical state: life support, a Do Not Resuscitate Order, etc.

A Medical Power of Attorney for Healthcare gives you or the person your parent appoints the ability to make health care decisions for them in their stead.

It's hard to face those decisions as a child, but much easier if you've had the conversation ahead of time about what your parent wants to do. Then you'll know you're carrying out their wishes, difficult as it may be.

Elder Care Transportation--A Much Needed Business

2009-07-16T22:13:00.000-07:00

When my mother was in a skilled nursing facility (SNF), one aspect of her care that was very important was her transportation to and from doctors' appointments. Although we were blessed at her facility to have an on-staff medical director who came to her room, there were several referrals he made to specialists who would only see us in their offices.

Over the course of a year, we went to a neurosurgeon (and back and forth to the hospital for testing and eventual surgery to implant a shunt), to the endocrinologist, and to the radiologist.

None of this would have been possible in a regular car. My mother could only be transported in a wheelchair, and for that we need elder care transportation -- a large van with an elevator lift and safety belts to hold my mother (and me) in place.

Some services were great, others terrible. There is such a need for caring, professional transportation services for the elderly--it's a huge market, and not one necessarily well-served. In this economic age, many folks are looking for businesses to start. This could be a great one if you care for elders and run it well! If you're interested in some information that may be helpful, see Elder Care Transportation.

Some drivers went so fast my mother would scream; others treated her with tender loving care -- they were the best!

San Diego's Institute for Palliative Medicine Improving Acute Pain Treatments Worldwide

2009-07-11T20:34:00.000-07:00

The Institute for Palliative Meidicine -- the research side of San Diego Hospice -- leads the world in acute care palliative research, treatment and training. Palliative care is no longer just for individuals who are passing. Palliative care specialists can be brought in to acute hospital situations to consult on pain management. Learn more about this shining research light and their work at The Institute for Palliative Medicine

Part 2 of Medicaid Nursing Home Article Published at American Chronicle

2009-07-11T18:32:00.001-07:00

Stop before you encourage your loved ones to gift away their assets in order to qualify for Medicaid. Part 2 - What Nursing Home Will Your Seniors Live In? Medicaid Nursing Homes

My Mother Doesn't Like My Singing!

2009-07-11T12:15:00.000-07:00

Happy Saturday! So, I'm cleaning house and playing John Denver -- You Fill Up My Senses again and again -- it just seems beautiful and worshipful on this gorgeous day -- so I go into my mother's room as I sing away. "No singing in here," she says. "How come?" I ask. "You have to have a good voice." Guess she preferred John to me.

Just Published on American Chronicle

2009-07-11T09:12:00.000-07:00

Just published -- American Chronicle Gifting to Qualify for MediCal - Medicaid Eligibility - Unfair For Seniors? - Part 1 Medicaid Eligibility

Gifting to Qualify for MediCal--Unfair For Seniors?

2009-07-06T11:58:00.000-07:00

As an attorney, I often see colleagues' promotional materials, advertising that there are lawful ways for elders to gift their estate to other family members in order to qualify for MediCal -- what we call "Medicaid" in California. Other states use the term "Medicaid" or have created their own term.

When I first read one of these elder attorney's pamphlets, I thought whom is he representing? Does the elder who is being advised or agreeing to do this know what a MediCal/Medicaid facility looks like? The quality of care they are going to receive compared to what they may be used to in what I call "real life" -- the time before they enter Assisted Living or a Skilled Nursing Facility (SNF) -- can be much less than their current standard of living.

MediCal and Medicaid facilities may do the best they can with their limited resources, but the resources ARE limited, and it is important that any elder understand what it means if they give away their estate in order to qualify for MediCal/Medicaid. THEY NEED TO VISIT THE TYPE OF FACILITY THEY MAY HAVE TO LIVE OUT THEIR LIFE IN BEFORE THEY AGREE TO GIVE THEIR ASSETS AWAY. That's what the legal community refers to as "informed consent", but I wonder how often that happens in these types of situations.

Many attorneys get around what appears to be a major ethical dilemma by representing the children and having a written waiver from the parent that the parent should seek their own counsel and that the attorney is not representing the parent. This waiver may or may not be effective depending on the specific circumstances and the state.

There may be those unselfish parents who are willing to give it all away for the sake of their children and risk living in a bad facility for the rest of their lives if necessary. My concern is most parents don't know exactly what they are doing when they seek to give away their assets to qualify for MediCal/Medicaid.

It sounds like a great come on, but go see the fine print! If you are an elder planning on working with an attorney and your family to qualify for MediCal/Medicaid, please educate yourself, seek your own personal legal counsel, and research the potential quality of life you will face if you have to rely solely on MediCal/Medicaid and not on your own personal funds.

Legally protecting your assets and saving tax dollars is your right, but please make sure it is what is best for YOU!

Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/janeallison

My Mother -- Hospice's Comedienne!

2009-07-05T15:04:00.000-07:00

My mother is now home with me and comfortable, have the caregiving schedule worked out, and now lots of great time to write.

So, this is the best part, I've learned my mother is a lie-in-bed comic. As context, she has short-term memory issues, but that mind is still sharp even with its limitations.

As sad as last week was with all the tragic deaths in L.A., I was startled when after watching three days of coverage from morning to night, my mother turns to me and says, "I think Michael Jackson has died."

Yesterday, on the Fourth, I'm trying to get her to understand what day it is. She runs through the days of the week -- no, that didn't work. So, I say, "What day is the Fourth of July?" Her response, "On the Fourth of July."

Later I ask her again what day it is -- it's a beautiful, sunny day in Southern California, clear and gorgeous, unlike last year's Fourth of July Fog -- this time she says it's Christmas Eve. I say, "Look out the window, does it look like it could be Christmas Eve? It's the Fourth of July." She says, "Well, it can be both the Fourth of July and Christmas Eve." "Why do you want it to be Christmas Eve?" I ask. "So that I can get presents."

So then I am telling her today that before she came home I went out to shop, after checking with some Twitter friends about the best sofa bed to put in her room -- a plug for "American Leather" (but the sofas come in wonderful microfiber colors, too, and no springs!) so that I or a caregiver could spend the night with her. She tells me she loves the color. I explain how the first store we went to didn't have the right size or color. The second store, praise the Lord, had the twin size in exactly our color, but didn't want to sell it off the floor. It would take five weeks to order and deliver, but my Mother was coming home at the end of the week.

I told my Mom this morning I knew when I saw the sofa that the Lord had it there ready for us and they would sell it to us, which they did. She says she loves it and it looks beautiful in the room.

Then my mother asks for candy. I say, "You're always talking about candy!" "No, I'm not, I was just talking about sofas!"

Love your parents and bring them home if you can. You don't want to miss the magic moments.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com
http://twitter.com/janeallison

P.S. As I am writing this on the sofa in her room, my mother calls out, "Throw me the flipper" -- our term for the TV remote. Then she quickly follows it up with, "But don't hit me." Fortunately, it was already by her side, no chance for that!

My Mother's Homecoming

2009-06-19T11:47:00.000-07:00

Coming Home

Bringing a family member home after a stay in a skilled nursing facility (SNF) or rehabilitation center, or directly from the hospital, can be an overwhelming challenge emotionally and physically. If you are going to be a caregiver either in your own home or your parent's, to minimize emotional overload you need a plan. I'm going to give you one. First, let me share my story, and then I'll recommend what to do.

My Mother's coming home tomorrow at 2 p.m. "Home" I've learned over the last three years is wherever your loved ones are. I have been traveling from my "grown-up" home in Virginia to my "childhood" home in California, looking after my 86-year-old Mother (only child of only children). It's been a joy, but whenever I leave one place, I say "I'm going home." This last trip I decided both are home -- so I now refer to them as "the ocean" and "the farm."
My mother's coming home tomorrow at 2 p.m. is real for her. This has been her main residence or second home in California for over 30 years. I've been a nomad in it as I have come and gone to look over her care and be with her in a beautiful (we have been blessed) skilled nursing facility close by. But it struck me one night as I lay in my nomad state watching TV that she was doing the same thing several miles away, so why shouldn't we be doing it together? She has been in the facility for three years. They had taken great care of her. When I left to go to the farm after her first hospitalization, I worked hard to get caregivers for her at home who would care for her in my absence. She wasn't really sick, just immobile and afraid to be touched. She graciously growled at every lovely lady who came in, and I again knew in that moment, if I left, she'd kick them all out, so it was back to the facility, which kindly took us in.

Fast forward three years and she's been well cared for. Her mind is still sharp. Yet, she had come to the point where all she wanted was to lie in bed, be left alone, not eat (except for the chocolate I brought ever day) and said repeatedly she was living too long. In our care plan discussion, the lovely hospice social services lady, Paula, told me to be prepared, that it was not unusual for women to just start shutting down until they pass away.
Then a funny thing happened on the way to "home." My mother rallied. Three days before the scheduled departure I get a call from wonderful, Kit, the Head of Nursing. "I've got the greatest news. Mom has been up in her wheelchair, sitting in the Activities Room, taking all three meals in the dining room" -- which she had always called the "old people's room" and refused to go into, preferring meals in her room. I'm told the staff in amazement is calling this the "Awakening of Mrs. Lee."

Her front room with the ocean view is all ready to go, new bed (not a hospital bed, you need a special bed~more later), a lovely sofa bed to sit in by day and hang out with her all night if necessary, all my "little girl" furniture of which I was most proud has been taken away to make room for this new era in our lives.

My mother's coming home tomorrow at 2 p.m. -- from now on that's where I'll be hanging with one-half of my family at "the ocean." What joy.

I want you to have the same experience -- with or without the ocean. Here's what you need to do:

1. If your loved one is in a SNF, hospital, or rehabilitation facility, sit down about a week before you are planning to bring your parent home, listen and ask lots of questions!

2. If your parent is on hospice, hospice will offer a hospital bed at no charge. The standard in the industry says they are unbearably uncomfortable. If finances are an issue, you may have to take the bed. It is a blessing hospice even provides all that they do. If you are able to spend some money, I recommend checking into a nursing home bed distributor. Some of those beds are better than others. I worked directly with my "team" at the nursing facility (they have connections, you just have to ask and push) to arrange for a top-of-the-line bed to rent for $150 per month. The bed can also be purchased. The IMPORTANCE of this type of bed is that it moves the body in all different positions, crucial to prevent bedsores, and allows the bed to go all the way to the floor if your parent has a tendency to fall. Hospital beds don't go to the floor.

3. Hospice will also provide an eating table that goes over the bed for meals and holds drinks during the day, a wheelchair, oxygen, and a hoyer lift, which takes us to #4.

4. There are different sizes and kinds of hoyer lifts. You will want to talk to hospice about what they can provide, or check on your own -- Google "hoyer lifts" -- to find the right one for you. They will aid you in lifting Mom or Dad out of the bed and putting them in an armchair or wheel chair. You need practice, so ask the facility to show you how it works and practice with your Mom or Dad before they come home.

5. Finally, but equally important, finding caregivers to support YOU! You cannot take care of your parent 24 hours a day -- it is a physical and emotional impossibility. Watch out or the bed your Mom or Dad vacated might soon be yours! Reputable, trustworthy, bonded caregivers are the key. Ask your facility for whom they know to be the most trustworthy caregiving agencies. You will want to interview the caregivers and introduce them to Mom or Dad. If one doesn't work out, don't hesitate to ask for another. This is the most important step--you are entrusting your parent's life to another so that you can get out and have some recreation time, etc., AND you want someone in your house you can trust while you're gone. Put any valuables away. No matter how great we believe someone to be, we never truly, truly know them, especially in this setting.

You can do it. Loving your parent through this difficult time is a challenge, but will give you those special moments you will treasure forever. Corny to say, but love is a powerful thing, and serving your Mom or Dad at this time in your life is healing to them and a gift to you.

Loving Your Parents Through Healthcare Turmoil!

2009-04-27T06:58:00.000-07:00

I am so grateful to my followers on Twitter (http://twitter.com/JaneAllison) who have responded to my question about what they would do if their Mom or Dad were suddenly hospitalized. Most of the answers came back in one variation or another, "I would be there and love them and look out for them."

In an earlier Post here I discussed the matter-of-fact details of what to do when your loved one is hospitalized (see Post "Help! My Parent's in the Hospital!"), but right now I want to focus on what many of my fellow twitterers commented on -- being there and giving love.

For some of us, that's easy. The process is hard, which is why I want you to be prepared by reading the hospitalization Post to the right if you haven't already. I want to make it easier for you to navigate the health care tumult. From an emotional standpoint, many of us would immediately come from love ~~ I want to be there ~~ I want to help.

For others, the relationship with our folks may itself have been tumultuous. Perhaps rightly we feel that our needs were not met, that our parents did not love us the way they should have or been there for us when they could have. So, when the call comes to jump into the "hospitilization/time to take care of Mom or Dad and put my life aside for a period of time" fray, you may find those hurts resurface and your tendency be ~~ not me, let my brother or sister worry about it, or I'm really too busy right now with the kids and work, or they're in good hands in the hospital.

If this is you, I want to share with you a different paradigm ~~ encourage you to look through another framework at the needs of your Mom or Dad at this critical stage. We have all heard it, parents do the best they can. In my opinion, some do, some don't. But the reality is that when they are in the hospital, they are vulnerable. When they are facing end-of-life care issues, they are vulnerable.

This vulnerability may come out in anger and attack because they are scared and losing control of their bodies and their lives. But I want to encourage you the best you can to put aside any pains or grievances that remain in the relationship and SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY to reach out in love to your parent at this critical time. If they send missiles back your way, ignore them. If they are uncooperative (and chances are they will be at some point), ignore that. Be with them, tell them you love them if you can, just sit with them in silence if you can't. BE THERE.

It may seem unbelievable, but this time of your parent's life can be a wonderful opportunity for you to love, for you to be healed, for your Mom or Dad to heal from what they may know, though may not want to admit, they did to you. Elders spend a lot of time in bed contemplating their lives. Be gentle, be kind, gather up your strength and love, the best way you can. Resist the temptation to flee. If nothing else, just BE THERE BY THEIR SIDE. That will demonstrate your unspoken love.

I have seen amazing people who carry past hurts on the inside be healed in beautiful ways just by being with their parents in the hospital, assisted living facility, nursing facility, or at home. Wonderfully unexpected moments may transpire between you and Mom or Dad. Some laughs, some tears, but overall you may find a contented joy. As much as you love your spouse, there likely is no one on this earth who knows you the way Mom or Dad does. You know each other, for good and bad, in a very deep way.

When you get the call, or if you are with Mom or Dad when they fall and have to get them to the hospital, forget yourself and reach out to them in love and understanding. Sit with them through the process. "Being there" can be the greatest love of all.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/JaneAllison

Help! My Parent's in the Hospital! Five Things You Must Do IMMEDIATELY!

2009-04-20T12:16:00.000-07:00

Have you gotten that call in the middle of the night telling you that your mother who is 2,000 miles away has fallen and is in the hospital? Has your father come for a visit and had a slight stroke? These circumstances can interrupt your everyday life and send you into a state of panic and fear. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENT IS HOSPITALIZED IS TO PUT YOUR PANIC AND WORRY ASIDE AND SHIFT INTO WARRIOR MODE. Here's what you need to do.

1. Don't panic. It is natural to be fearful and overwhelmed when your mother or dad is rushed to the hospital. Accept your feelings as natural, but put them aside right away. YOU ARE YOUR PARENT'S BEST ADVOCATE. If you live far away, immediately call a friend who can go to the hospital and be your liaison on the ground until you get there. You will quickly get frustrated and angry trying to get information about what's happening with Mom or Dad unless you have someone on the scene looking out for YOU and letting you know what's going on. If you can't get to the hospital, there are also elder care advocates like myself who can be your eyes and ears and fight through the system so your parent gets the best care.

2. Contact your mother or dad's physician immediately. As a side note here, it is very important that your parent have a general internist physician (preferably a gerontologist if you can find one) WHO IS WILLING TO FOLLOW YOUR PARENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF NECESSARY. This is obviously something to arrange now, before any unforeseen hospitalization occurs.

Many hospitals now promote to patients a new system of "hospitalists" -- these are physicians who only work at the hospital and don't have a private practice. The problem with this is that your parent will be a new patient to the hospitalist and you might not have the same hospitalist every day. WHAT YOU WANT IS YOUR PARENT'S PHYSICIAN WHO KNOWS YOUR PARENT'S HISTORY TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY AND DIRECT YOUR PARENT'S CARE! This is very important for the continuity of care for your mom or dad and for your comfort. A hospitalist might not pick up on something about your parent that his or her own physician would because of their history together.

3. Don't be intimidated by the hospital system. The reality is that hospitals have their own protocols and systems which may work for them, but may not necessarily work for you! You land in a place that's all new to you -- and they've got the advantage. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the nurses, other staff or the physicians. Hospitals tell us that their mission is to take the best care of their patients, but the reality is the only person who will be looking out for the best interests of your parent is YOU or YOUR ADVOCATE.

When my mother was in the hospital, I walked up to the nurses' station behind which about 10 people were chatting away, and the one who was sitting at the desk right in front of me refused to look up. I finally called out, Hello, anybody home? And they all turned in disbelief, but I got what I needed.

4. If possible, keep your parent in the hospital for THREE OVERNIGHTS. True, you do not have complete control over this, that's why the presence of your parent's own physician can be so important, but if your parent will have to go to a rehab facility or go home for therapy, and he or she is on Medicare, Medicare will only pay for follow-up treatment if your parent has spent three full overnights in the hospital. Not days, but overnights.

Don't let them try to push Mom or Dad out too early. If it's legitimate for them to stay in the hospital, make sure they stay. I had a friend who unfortunately did not know the three-day rule at the time, and her mother wanted to leave the hospital early. She needed therapy at home as the doctor prescribed but had to pay for it herself because she did not meet the three-overnight rule.

5. Manage the hospital's discharge planner. Within a day or two of your parent's admission, you will meet the discharge planner, whose job it is to arrange for where Mom or Dad goes and what help they need after the hospital. THIS IS VERY KEY -- if your parent is going to have to go to a rehab facility, a skilled nursing facility, and the three-day rule is met, Medicare will pay for the best or worst facility. IT IS YOUR JOB AS ADVOCATE TO FIND OUT THE BEST FACILITY AND GET MOM OR DAD IN THERE! This will make a world of difference in their aftercare.

The discharge planner will give you a list of facilities in the area. They are not ethically allowed to tell you what the best ones are. Typically, they will ask you to pick three, and then whichever of those three facilities has a bed on the day Mom or Dad is discharged from the hospital, that's where they'll go.

BUT HERE'S THE CATCH -- THERE MAY ONLY BE ONE GREAT FACILITY IN THE AREA. SO HOW TO GET THERE? First, you have to find it. Ask friends, families, colleagues. If you've hired an advocate, they'll be able to guide you. If you're on the ground, go visit the facilities. Ask for a tour of the skilled nursing facility. Talk to the admissions officer at the facilities you like. If one stands out above the rest, keep talking to the Admissions officer at that facility (you won't know exactly what day your parent will be discharged) and tell the hospital's discharge planner that you want your parent to go there.

This is so important and the trickiest part. When you find out (usually the day before) when Mom or Dad is to be discharged, call the facility (or facilities if you're blessed to have several you like) and ask if they will have a bed open the next day. Some hospital discharge planners are wonderful, others are annoying and territorial. They may see you as interfering with "their" job. But put any concerns about that aside, and recognize that they are treading on YOUR territory, where Mom or Dad goes will make no difference to them, it will make all the difference to you. If there's a bed open where you want to go, tell the discharge planner that day -- tell them you've talked to the admissions representative at the facility, there's a bed available, and you want Mom or Dad to go there. DO NOT GIVE IN AT ANY POINT AT THIS STAGE. YOU'VE DONE THE HARD WORK, IT'S TIME FOR MOM OR DAD (AND YOU) TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR INVESTIGATIONS AND ADVOCACY!

Remember, regardless of your past history, fighting for your parent at this time in his or her life when they may need you most, can become the most rewarding time of togetherness for both of you and lead to great healing, if needed, and joy. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Hopefully, with these tips in mind, you can focus on loving your parent to the best of your ability and not on the frustrations that come from navigating unknown waters.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/JaneAllison

Happy Resurrection Day!

2009-04-12T10:23:00.001-07:00

From Dr. Charles Stanley of InTouch Ministries:

What a Name!HEBREWS 1:1-14
The name Jesus conveys different things to different people. Depending on the individual, it can mean an historical figure, a good teacher, a prophet, or a curse word. Yet to many throughout the world, that name is synonymous with "Lord and Savior."
What is it about that name? Why do some respond in praise and worship while others react in profanity and anger? The answer is that Jesus isn't simply a person; He's an issue. And our response to who He is determines not only our way of life, but also our eternal destiny.
The name of Jesus Christ represents all He is and all He does. Scripture identifies Him as the Son of God, equal to the Father in character and attributes: He is eternal, all-powerful, sovereign, and ever-present. The Bible also says He is the Creator and Sustainer of all things (Col. 1:16).
Jesus came to earth as the God-man for the purpose of saving mankind. Because He lived a perfect life, Christ is the only person in history who is qualified to pay the penalty for someone else's sin. He secured our forgiveness and offers us the gift of salvation on the basis of faith.
One day Christ will sit as mankind's ultimate, final judge. Those who have accepted His payment for their sins will live with Him forever.
Have you chosen to receive Christ's offer of salvation? A transformed life now and an eternal kingdom in heaven await all who call Him Savior and King. If you've never made the wise decision to accept His free gift, why not do so now? Then rejoice in the fact that Jesus will return as King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Happy Good Friday!

2009-04-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

A wonderful Good Friday devotion my favorite, Dr. Charles Stanley, of InTouch Ministries. Blessings to you and Happy Resurrection Day!

The Power of the Cross Mark 15:26-32
Some people jeered at Jesus as He hung on the cross. The Son of God should be able to save Himself, they taunted. These men and women thought that Christ's death proved Him weak. But in fact, the opposite was true. The Lord's power was so great that Jesus died with the world's sin on His shoulders, and He arose three days later. Furthermore, anyone who believes in Him doesn't have to pay his or her own death penalty. God's awesome power sets captives free.
I treasure a letter from a former addict who described God's power in his life. One night, just before drugs stole his consciousness, he heard through an open window a single sentence from a radio preacher: "No matter who you are, God loves you and cares about you." Weeks later, while searching for a program on his own radio, he came across a familiar voice. Intrigued, He listened to that entire In Touch broadcast. What happened, in short, is that he got the message, received Christ, cleaned up his life, and reconciled with his family.
The cross's power is life-changing. God used a phrase heard in a drug-induced haze to prepare a man's heart. Then, once the Lord had his attention, He yanked that fellow out of a deep pit of despair!
Human strength is insufficient to rid ourselves of sin. The truth is that we are all in need of a Savior. Jesus Christ humbled Himself to die in our place, which was not a show of weakness. On the contrary, He made the most powerful sacrifice He could--and He did it for you and me (John 15:13).
For more biblical teaching and resources from Dr. Charles Stanley, please visit www.intouch.organdclick here to listen to Dr. Stanley at OnePlace.com.