Loving Your Parents Through Healthcare Turmoil!

I am so grateful to my followers on Twitter (http://twitter.com/JaneAllison) who have responded to my question about what they would do if their Mom or Dad were suddenly hospitalized. Most of the answers came back in one variation or another, "I would be there and love them and look out for them."

In an earlier Post here I discussed the matter-of-fact details of what to do when your loved one is hospitalized (see Post "Help! My Parent's in the Hospital!"), but right now I want to focus on what many of my fellow twitterers commented on -- being there and giving love.

For some of us, that's easy. The process is hard, which is why I want you to be prepared by reading the hospitalization Post to the right if you haven't already. I want to make it easier for you to navigate the health care tumult. From an emotional standpoint, many of us would immediately come from love ~~ I want to be there ~~ I want to help.

For others, the relationship with our folks may itself have been tumultuous. Perhaps rightly we feel that our needs were not met, that our parents did not love us the way they should have or been there for us when they could have. So, when the call comes to jump into the "hospitilization/time to take care of Mom or Dad and put my life aside for a period of time" fray, you may find those hurts resurface and your tendency be ~~ not me, let my brother or sister worry about it, or I'm really too busy right now with the kids and work, or they're in good hands in the hospital.

If this is you, I want to share with you a different paradigm ~~ encourage you to look through another framework at the needs of your Mom or Dad at this critical stage. We have all heard it, parents do the best they can. In my opinion, some do, some don't. But the reality is that when they are in the hospital, they are vulnerable. When they are facing end-of-life care issues, they are vulnerable.

This vulnerability may come out in anger and attack because they are scared and losing control of their bodies and their lives. But I want to encourage you the best you can to put aside any pains or grievances that remain in the relationship and SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY to reach out in love to your parent at this critical time. If they send missiles back your way, ignore them. If they are uncooperative (and chances are they will be at some point), ignore that. Be with them, tell them you love them if you can, just sit with them in silence if you can't. BE THERE.

It may seem unbelievable, but this time of your parent's life can be a wonderful opportunity for you to love, for you to be healed, for your Mom or Dad to heal from what they may know, though may not want to admit, they did to you. Elders spend a lot of time in bed contemplating their lives. Be gentle, be kind, gather up your strength and love, the best way you can. Resist the temptation to flee. If nothing else, just BE THERE BY THEIR SIDE. That will demonstrate your unspoken love.

I have seen amazing people who carry past hurts on the inside be healed in beautiful ways just by being with their parents in the hospital, assisted living facility, nursing facility, or at home. Wonderfully unexpected moments may transpire between you and Mom or Dad. Some laughs, some tears, but overall you may find a contented joy. As much as you love your spouse, there likely is no one on this earth who knows you the way Mom or Dad does. You know each other, for good and bad, in a very deep way.

When you get the call, or if you are with Mom or Dad when they fall and have to get them to the hospital, forget yourself and reach out to them in love and understanding. Sit with them through the process. "Being there" can be the greatest love of all.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/JaneAllison

Help! My Parent's in the Hospital! Five Things You Must Do IMMEDIATELY!

Have you gotten that call in the middle of the night telling you that your mother who is 2,000 miles away has fallen and is in the hospital? Has your father come for a visit and had a slight stroke? These circumstances can interrupt your everyday life and send you into a state of panic and fear. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENT IS HOSPITALIZED IS TO PUT YOUR PANIC AND WORRY ASIDE AND SHIFT INTO WARRIOR MODE. Here's what you need to do.

1. Don't panic. It is natural to be fearful and overwhelmed when your mother or dad is rushed to the hospital. Accept your feelings as natural, but put them aside right away. YOU ARE YOUR PARENT'S BEST ADVOCATE. If you live far away, immediately call a friend who can go to the hospital and be your liaison on the ground until you get there. You will quickly get frustrated and angry trying to get information about what's happening with Mom or Dad unless you have someone on the scene looking out for YOU and letting you know what's going on. If you can't get to the hospital, there are also elder care advocates like myself who can be your eyes and ears and fight through the system so your parent gets the best care.

2. Contact your mother or dad's physician immediately. As a side note here, it is very important that your parent have a general internist physician (preferably a gerontologist if you can find one) WHO IS WILLING TO FOLLOW YOUR PARENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF NECESSARY. This is obviously something to arrange now, before any unforeseen hospitalization occurs.

Many hospitals now promote to patients a new system of "hospitalists" -- these are physicians who only work at the hospital and don't have a private practice. The problem with this is that your parent will be a new patient to the hospitalist and you might not have the same hospitalist every day. WHAT YOU WANT IS YOUR PARENT'S PHYSICIAN WHO KNOWS YOUR PARENT'S HISTORY TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY AND DIRECT YOUR PARENT'S CARE! This is very important for the continuity of care for your mom or dad and for your comfort. A hospitalist might not pick up on something about your parent that his or her own physician would because of their history together.

3. Don't be intimidated by the hospital system. The reality is that hospitals have their own protocols and systems which may work for them, but may not necessarily work for you! You land in a place that's all new to you -- and they've got the advantage. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the nurses, other staff or the physicians. Hospitals tell us that their mission is to take the best care of their patients, but the reality is the only person who will be looking out for the best interests of your parent is YOU or YOUR ADVOCATE.

When my mother was in the hospital, I walked up to the nurses' station behind which about 10 people were chatting away, and the one who was sitting at the desk right in front of me refused to look up. I finally called out, Hello, anybody home? And they all turned in disbelief, but I got what I needed.

4. If possible, keep your parent in the hospital for THREE OVERNIGHTS. True, you do not have complete control over this, that's why the presence of your parent's own physician can be so important, but if your parent will have to go to a rehab facility or go home for therapy, and he or she is on Medicare, Medicare will only pay for follow-up treatment if your parent has spent three full overnights in the hospital. Not days, but overnights.

Don't let them try to push Mom or Dad out too early. If it's legitimate for them to stay in the hospital, make sure they stay. I had a friend who unfortunately did not know the three-day rule at the time, and her mother wanted to leave the hospital early. She needed therapy at home as the doctor prescribed but had to pay for it herself because she did not meet the three-overnight rule.

5. Manage the hospital's discharge planner. Within a day or two of your parent's admission, you will meet the discharge planner, whose job it is to arrange for where Mom or Dad goes and what help they need after the hospital. THIS IS VERY KEY -- if your parent is going to have to go to a rehab facility, a skilled nursing facility, and the three-day rule is met, Medicare will pay for the best or worst facility. IT IS YOUR JOB AS ADVOCATE TO FIND OUT THE BEST FACILITY AND GET MOM OR DAD IN THERE! This will make a world of difference in their aftercare.

The discharge planner will give you a list of facilities in the area. They are not ethically allowed to tell you what the best ones are. Typically, they will ask you to pick three, and then whichever of those three facilities has a bed on the day Mom or Dad is discharged from the hospital, that's where they'll go.

BUT HERE'S THE CATCH -- THERE MAY ONLY BE ONE GREAT FACILITY IN THE AREA. SO HOW TO GET THERE? First, you have to find it. Ask friends, families, colleagues. If you've hired an advocate, they'll be able to guide you. If you're on the ground, go visit the facilities. Ask for a tour of the skilled nursing facility. Talk to the admissions officer at the facilities you like. If one stands out above the rest, keep talking to the Admissions officer at that facility (you won't know exactly what day your parent will be discharged) and tell the hospital's discharge planner that you want your parent to go there.

This is so important and the trickiest part. When you find out (usually the day before) when Mom or Dad is to be discharged, call the facility (or facilities if you're blessed to have several you like) and ask if they will have a bed open the next day. Some hospital discharge planners are wonderful, others are annoying and territorial. They may see you as interfering with "their" job. But put any concerns about that aside, and recognize that they are treading on YOUR territory, where Mom or Dad goes will make no difference to them, it will make all the difference to you. If there's a bed open where you want to go, tell the discharge planner that day -- tell them you've talked to the admissions representative at the facility, there's a bed available, and you want Mom or Dad to go there. DO NOT GIVE IN AT ANY POINT AT THIS STAGE. YOU'VE DONE THE HARD WORK, IT'S TIME FOR MOM OR DAD (AND YOU) TO REAP THE BENEFITS OF YOUR INVESTIGATIONS AND ADVOCACY!

Remember, regardless of your past history, fighting for your parent at this time in his or her life when they may need you most, can become the most rewarding time of togetherness for both of you and lead to great healing, if needed, and joy. It won't be easy, but it will be worth it. Hopefully, with these tips in mind, you can focus on loving your parent to the best of your ability and not on the frustrations that come from navigating unknown waters.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/JaneAllison

Happy Resurrection Day!

From Dr. Charles Stanley of InTouch Ministries:

What a Name!HEBREWS 1:1-14
The name Jesus conveys different things to different people. Depending on the individual, it can mean an historical figure, a good teacher, a prophet, or a curse word. Yet to many throughout the world, that name is synonymous with "Lord and Savior."
What is it about that name? Why do some respond in praise and worship while others react in profanity and anger? The answer is that Jesus isn't simply a person; He's an issue. And our response to who He is determines not only our way of life, but also our eternal destiny.
The name of Jesus Christ represents all He is and all He does. Scripture identifies Him as the Son of God, equal to the Father in character and attributes: He is eternal, all-powerful, sovereign, and ever-present. The Bible also says He is the Creator and Sustainer of all things (Col. 1:16).
Jesus came to earth as the God-man for the purpose of saving mankind. Because He lived a perfect life, Christ is the only person in history who is qualified to pay the penalty for someone else's sin. He secured our forgiveness and offers us the gift of salvation on the basis of faith.
One day Christ will sit as mankind's ultimate, final judge. Those who have accepted His payment for their sins will live with Him forever.
Have you chosen to receive Christ's offer of salvation? A transformed life now and an eternal kingdom in heaven await all who call Him Savior and King. If you've never made the wise decision to accept His free gift, why not do so now? Then rejoice in the fact that Jesus will return as King of Kings and Lord of Lords.

Happy Good Friday!

A wonderful Good Friday devotion my favorite, Dr. Charles Stanley, of InTouch Ministries. Blessings to you and Happy Resurrection Day!

The Power of the Cross Mark 15:26-32
Some people jeered at Jesus as He hung on the cross. The Son of God should be able to save Himself, they taunted. These men and women thought that Christ's death proved Him weak. But in fact, the opposite was true. The Lord's power was so great that Jesus died with the world's sin on His shoulders, and He arose three days later. Furthermore, anyone who believes in Him doesn't have to pay his or her own death penalty. God's awesome power sets captives free.
I treasure a letter from a former addict who described God's power in his life. One night, just before drugs stole his consciousness, he heard through an open window a single sentence from a radio preacher: "No matter who you are, God loves you and cares about you." Weeks later, while searching for a program on his own radio, he came across a familiar voice. Intrigued, He listened to that entire In Touch broadcast. What happened, in short, is that he got the message, received Christ, cleaned up his life, and reconciled with his family.
The cross's power is life-changing. God used a phrase heard in a drug-induced haze to prepare a man's heart. Then, once the Lord had his attention, He yanked that fellow out of a deep pit of despair!
Human strength is insufficient to rid ourselves of sin. The truth is that we are all in need of a Savior. Jesus Christ humbled Himself to die in our place, which was not a show of weakness. On the contrary, He made the most powerful sacrifice He could--and He did it for you and me (John 15:13).
For more biblical teaching and resources from Dr. Charles Stanley, please visit www.intouch.organdclick here to listen to Dr. Stanley at OnePlace.com.

Welcome! Thanks for joining!

Welcome to my blog where I want to help you with any questions/issues you have on elder care law. We will cover lots of topics that apply nationwide. For example, nursing homes, skilled nursing facilities (SNFs), are strictly regulated by state and federal law. Elder abuse can occur in a facility or within a family. If you suspect either, I can guide you where to go to help. There are many wonderful agencies which offer assistance and attorneys who can guide you through the legal processes such as estate planning.

And then there is the emotional side of caring for an elder loved one through the transition from an active life to a less active one. We'll cover those topics as well. Loving your parents through the end of their lives can be a sad yet incredible time of fellowship and healing and love that can change both your lives.

For more see my website at http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/

Thanks for following me -- I look forward to our discussions!

All best, Jane Allison