Loving Your Parents Through Healthcare Turmoil!

I am so grateful to my followers on Twitter (http://twitter.com/JaneAllison) who have responded to my question about what they would do if their Mom or Dad were suddenly hospitalized. Most of the answers came back in one variation or another, "I would be there and love them and look out for them."

In an earlier Post here I discussed the matter-of-fact details of what to do when your loved one is hospitalized (see Post "Help! My Parent's in the Hospital!"), but right now I want to focus on what many of my fellow twitterers commented on -- being there and giving love.

For some of us, that's easy. The process is hard, which is why I want you to be prepared by reading the hospitalization Post to the right if you haven't already. I want to make it easier for you to navigate the health care tumult. From an emotional standpoint, many of us would immediately come from love ~~ I want to be there ~~ I want to help.

For others, the relationship with our folks may itself have been tumultuous. Perhaps rightly we feel that our needs were not met, that our parents did not love us the way they should have or been there for us when they could have. So, when the call comes to jump into the "hospitilization/time to take care of Mom or Dad and put my life aside for a period of time" fray, you may find those hurts resurface and your tendency be ~~ not me, let my brother or sister worry about it, or I'm really too busy right now with the kids and work, or they're in good hands in the hospital.

If this is you, I want to share with you a different paradigm ~~ encourage you to look through another framework at the needs of your Mom or Dad at this critical stage. We have all heard it, parents do the best they can. In my opinion, some do, some don't. But the reality is that when they are in the hospital, they are vulnerable. When they are facing end-of-life care issues, they are vulnerable.

This vulnerability may come out in anger and attack because they are scared and losing control of their bodies and their lives. But I want to encourage you the best you can to put aside any pains or grievances that remain in the relationship and SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY to reach out in love to your parent at this critical time. If they send missiles back your way, ignore them. If they are uncooperative (and chances are they will be at some point), ignore that. Be with them, tell them you love them if you can, just sit with them in silence if you can't. BE THERE.

It may seem unbelievable, but this time of your parent's life can be a wonderful opportunity for you to love, for you to be healed, for your Mom or Dad to heal from what they may know, though may not want to admit, they did to you. Elders spend a lot of time in bed contemplating their lives. Be gentle, be kind, gather up your strength and love, the best way you can. Resist the temptation to flee. If nothing else, just BE THERE BY THEIR SIDE. That will demonstrate your unspoken love.

I have seen amazing people who carry past hurts on the inside be healed in beautiful ways just by being with their parents in the hospital, assisted living facility, nursing facility, or at home. Wonderfully unexpected moments may transpire between you and Mom or Dad. Some laughs, some tears, but overall you may find a contented joy. As much as you love your spouse, there likely is no one on this earth who knows you the way Mom or Dad does. You know each other, for good and bad, in a very deep way.

When you get the call, or if you are with Mom or Dad when they fall and have to get them to the hospital, forget yourself and reach out to them in love and understanding. Sit with them through the process. "Being there" can be the greatest love of all.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/JaneAllison