"I" is For Impact

A-C-I -- Assessment, Cost, Impact. The last of our three letters is the most important. How does loving your parents affect you? From the very beginning of your involvement in Mom or Dad's healthcare to ultimately losing them. Hard issues to face, harder sometimes not to walk away from.

There are three potential areas of impact: your work, your home, and your individuality. Next, we'll discuss how to deal with each one.

A Different kind of Radio Day

Okay, so I'm going to the grocery store to pick up soy sauce and salsa, and Green Day's 21 Guns comes on the radio. It was compelling. I sat and listened to the end before getting out of the car. Then I came home and downloaded it on my IPhone -- how I love ITunes -- instant gratification.

I was already reeling from a tearstorm at watching "Remember Me" last night. I'll admit, uncontrollable weeping, at midnight. The movie hit my "I've lost my Mom" spot. Great movie (though not for youngsters even if they love Robert Pattinson, stick to Twilight).

So, this morning I buck up for an interview at 4C.org in San Jose with host Mario del Castillo. Thank you, Mario. Mood seems to have changed. Back in control. Then the fateful trip to the grocery store. (I bought a horse on the way to the WalMart once, well, actually two horses, so shopping trips are not necessarily a good thing for me.)

Now, back home, it's literally minutes before what I'm blessed to do, another radio interview about loving your parents, and I'm swaying melancholically to my IPhone. The real phone rings, and it's time to speak with Chuck Wolfe on WPKN in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Chuck is an expert on Emotional Intelligence, and his program is "The Emotion Roadmap." He has a new DVD applying EI to caring for our aging parents. I was at that moment in need of a little emotional intelligence myself. I was greatly blessed by our conversation, Chuck was a gracious host, and I highly recommend his work if you're caring for your folks.

As soon as Chuck and I say good-bye, back to the IPhone. "When you're at the end of the road, and you've lost all sense of control, and your thoughts have taken their toll....When it's time to live and let die, and you can't get another try, something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins." Yep, just about sums it up for the day.

Tomorrow is Sunday, a new day, a day for worship....and much gratitude.

But for now, I'm sticking to 21 Guns. And letting myself miss my Mom.

Just interviewed on the Northern California CBS Radio Network

Spent a wonderful 30 minutes with Walt Shaw, host of CBS Radio's Public Affairs Show, aired on KNCI, KHTK, KZZO, KYMX, and KSFM in Northern California. We talked about A-C-I, Assessment, Cost, and Impact, Durable Powers of Attorney, Advanced Medical Directives, parents moving in with children, children moving back in with parents!, and loving your parents (and yourself) through it all.

Thanks, Walt, for the opportunity. It was a pleasure!

The Cost of Caring

A-C-I Assessment, Cost, and Impact. The three letters you want to think about along the entire aging journey with Mom and Dad. We covered Assessment below, now let's look at Cost.

The cost of caring can be emotional and financial. In this post we'll focus on financial. As I always recommend, do your best with the help of your family to prepare for the worst BEFORE anything happens. Remember all those crazy things we did getting ready for the turn of the century? They weren't needed, but some of us did prepare.

We'll hope Mom and Dad will pass away peacefully at a great age, having lived well and happily, with no healthcare costs incurred, but the possibility of that is getting smaller and smaller.

First, explore the costs of helping Mom and Dad in their home. Someone to mow the grass, do the laundry, light housekeeping. Bonded and insured home care companies are good resources there.

Nest, look at the cost of bringing skilled services into the home. Physical therapists, occupational therapists, registered nurses. Here you want to find a Medicare-certified home healthcare agency. They are highly regulated and held to the highest standards of any home care agency. These costs will be higher, but they can keep Mom and Dad at home longer, and will be less expensive than assisted living.

Finally, visit and find out the costs of independent living, assisted living and skilled nursing facilities in your area, or if you are far from Mom and Dad, the area they are going to live in, maybe near another family member or in their own home town.

Once you have all this information, then you can look at your assessment of where Mom and Dad are mentally, physically, and emotionally, and be prepared to know the costs and how best to meet their healthcare needs each step of the journey.

Just Interviewed on WDBL AM 1590-Springfield, Tennessee

What a joy and thanks to hosts Dick Veatch and Neal Peterson for having me live on the morning show. Springfield is a beautiful, historical town in Robertson County, about 30 minutes from Nashville, one of my favorite cities in my second favorite state. A beautiful place to move one day!

Thanks to all the WDBL listeners. We'll post a copy of the 15-minute interview as soon as it's available.

Have a great day! Jane Allison

Thanks to MDSuburbs.com

Thanks to Ken Montville, Real Estate Agent Extraordinaire, for publishing two of my articles at Maryland Suburbs and at Just Another Rumor. One deals with Aging in Place and the other breaks a couple of aging myths. You can follow Ken on Twitter @MDSuburbs. Don't forget, if you walk into a facility and it smells, what do you do?.....Walk away!

Check out Ken's site for great information in this turbulent real estate market.

Thanks, Ken!

Happy Father's Day

For those of us without earthly fathers, this can be a difficult day. Today can make the loss of a Dad we loved painful and make us want to cry or just hide away at home, like me this past Mother's Day. Many of our fathers are alive, but we are estranged, and are reminded today of the pains the relationship has cause, perhaps made to feel guilty for not wanting to make that "Happy" phone call or send that "Happy" card.

Here are some thoughtful words from one of our readers:

"This is my first Father's Day without my Dad...I cannot believe how incredibly sad I am. I keep thinking back to this time last year which unbeknownst to me would be my last time seeing him. He was so precious. I was so blessed. He was not only a good man, but the best of fathers. I miss him so much. I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow to honor him, but truthfully I try very hard to live each day in honor of him."

What a beautiful tribute to your father, and thank you so much for sharing it with us. You are your father's legacy, and all that he taught you, and inspired you to be, and your honoring him every day are the most beautiful things you can do to celebrate his memory today and every day. I am sorry for your sadness and loss. What beautiful words you write, "He was not only a good man, but the best of fathers."

May you remember the best times today, and I'd say you are doing everything to honor him with your writing and your life. So, with joy through the tears, dear reader, Happy Father's Day!

Welcome to our Joy in the Rain Friends!

Thanks so much to my new friend Val, who honored me with writing a post for her great blog Joy in the Rain. Please check out her site, what a wonderful name, it fits so many situations, especially caring for our aging parents.

Happy Father's Day! Love your Dad by calling and saying "I love you," or honor his memory in a special way. Looking at old photos, watching the Open if golf was his passion. Or celebrate with your own family and give him a special toast! Enjoy!

First Three Steps When Mom or Dad in Hospital!

As I wrote recently, a dear friend got the call described below. Here are the first three of seven tips on what to do when your parent is hospitalized.


Have you gotten that call in the middle of the night telling you that your mother who is 2,000 miles away has fallen and is in the hospital? Has your father come for a visit and had a slight stroke? These circumstances can interrupt your everyday life and send you into a state of panic and fear. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENT IS HOSPITALIZED IS TO PUT YOUR PANIC AND WORRY ASIDE AND SHIFT INTO WARRIOR MODE. Here's what you need to do.

1. Don't panic. It is natural to be fearful and overwhelmed when your mother or dad is rushed to the hospital. Accept your feelings as natural, but put them aside right away. YOU ARE YOUR PARENT'S BEST ADVOCATE. If you live far away, immediately call a friend who can go to the hospital and be your liaison on the ground until you get there. You will quickly get frustrated and angry trying to get information about what's happening with Mom or Dad unless you have someone on the scene looking out for YOU and letting you know what's going on. If you can't get to the hospital, there are also elder care advocates like myself who can be your eyes and ears and fight through the system so your parent gets the best care.

2. Contact your mother or dad's physician immediately. As a side note here, it is very important that your parent have a general internist physician (preferably a gerontologist if you can find one) WHO IS WILLING TO FOLLOW YOUR PARENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF NECESSARY. This is obviously something to arrange now, before any unforeseen hospitalization occurs.

Many hospitals now promote to patients a new system of "hospitalists" -- these are physicians who only work at the hospital and don't have a private practice. The problem with this is that your parent will be a new patient to the hospitalist and you might not have the same hospitalist every day. WHAT YOU WANT IS YOUR PARENT'S PHYSICIAN WHO KNOWS YOUR PARENT'S HISTORY TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY AND DIRECT YOUR PARENT'S CARE! This is very important for the continuity of care for your mom or dad and for your comfort. A hospitalist might not pick up on something about your parent that his or her own physician would because of their history together.

3. Don't be intimidated by the hospital system. The reality is that hospitals have their own protocols and systems which may work for them, but may not necessarily work for you! You land in a place that's all new to you -- and they've got the advantage. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the nurses, other staff or the physicians. Hospitals tell us that their mission is to take the best care of their patients, but the reality is the only person who will be looking out for the best interests of your parent is YOU or YOUR ADVOCATE.

When my mother was in the hospital, I walked up to the nurses' station behind which about 10 people were chatting away, and the one who was sitting at the desk right in front of me refused to look up. I finally called out, Hello, anybody home? And they all turned in disbelief, but I got what I needed.

"You have Beautiful Teeth"

This was something my Mom said every day, whenever she saw me. I don't know how beautiful they are, but I do remember lots of trips to the orthodontists and dentists. Braces, and rubber bands. Today the girls wear colored something or other on the braces, pink, purple, blue. That might have been fun, gone with the colors of our uniforms. My mother always said we looked like a group of Easter Eggs flooding out of school at the end of the day.

But of all the things my mother said, that's the one I hear in my head clearly: "You have beautiful teeth." Suddenly, it dawned on me she really was telling me something. I haven't gone to the dentist in over a year. I'm going this week!

Have a blessed Sunday!

My Friend Got The Scary Phone Call--Mom's in the Hospital

Got a call yesterday from a friend who got that scary phone call we sometimes have to face caring for our aging parents. Her mother was in the hospital, 2000 miles away. The doctors had put her mother into a coma to stabilize her.

Now the big issue. The hospital was small, and there was no specialist to care for her. They needed to transfer Mom to a larger city hospital, but because of a crisis in that city, the hospital had no beds. My friend arrived after many hours on the plane and four more on the ground to see her Mama in a coma. I tried to support her through it, asked if the doctors thought her Mom could make the trip to a specialist in another hospital in another city in another state (five hours away), and she said they thought she could because she was stabilized. I encouraged her to get her mother there, call ahead and talk to the hospital to get them prepared for her Mom's arrival (don't just count on one hospital to communicate accurately or urgently enough to the other) and get the specialist to give the family the best information, then with that information, make the next decision.

My heart and prayers goes out to my friend and her family in a very special way. I was always blessed to have a great hospital nearby who could take my Mom right away. I can only imagine the emotional trauma and stress on my friend's Dad, her siblings flying in from all over the country, faced with a hospital that can't offer much help, while dealing with the anxiety and fear of how to care for mom and not wanting to lose her just like this.

With love to my friend and blessings to you, Jane Allison