Thanks, Miramar Semper Fidelis Rotary!

Had the great pleasure yesterday of speaking on the Miramar Air Base in California about money, time, and agony-saving strategies to love and care for our aging parents. And what a joy it was to say the Pledge of Allegiance on base, surrounded by the formidable men and women who daily serve our great nation. Many thanks to President Joe, Mike, Denver, and other members of this great chapter. The Club meets Thursdays at 11:30 a.m. for lunch in the Palms Restaurant on the Miramar Air Base.

To learn more about Rotary around the world and the Miramar Semper Fidelis Rotary, click here.

The Balancing Act--Loving Your Parents and Loving You, Too!

I remember being invited to a caregiving class. "Why are you inviting me?" I asked. "I'm not a caregiver." Denial, denial, denial. "Yes, you are," the kind lady said. "And that's exactly why you have to come."

I had been looking after my Mom for a year at that point, and saw the nursing staff as the caregivers not me. Or maybe someone who had Mom or Dad at home. Now, that adult child's a real caregiver. Again, not me. I just was the one that made sure, in a graciously controlling fashion, that everyone did their job to take the best care of my Mom.

Seeing myself in the role of caregiver changed me. I realized I, too, was impacted emotionally, mentally and physically by looking after my Mom, even if I wasn't the one giving her a bath. I enjoyed the group. There was a lovely gentleman whose wife had dementia. He had been a high-level executive in Washington, D.C., and the couple had moved to California to be near their four daughters, who now rarely came to visit because of their schedules. And they hated California.

Everyone had a story to share. Though I rarely felt alone, it made me feel like I had comrades in the good fight, and we were able to support each other, and teach each other, too.

Love yourself while you're loving your parents. Put balance in your life. It's so simple, it seems dumb to write. Go for a walk. See a great summer movie. Read a good book (the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson is a well-written mystery that takes place in Sweden, and will transport you to another world.)

Go bowling. Dance around the house. Love yourself and you will be even better at loving Mom and Dad.

IF IT SMELLS, TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT

Sunday is a popular day to visit nursing homes or assisted living facilities. Caveat: The institutions are on their best beahavior, they know you'll be coming.

Stop in during the week, when you're least expected. When you visit any assisted living or nursing facility for yourself, or even if you’re helping a friend, if it smells the minute you walk through the lobby, don’t waste your time. LEAVE. There is no excuse for foul smells. It means the staff is not adequately caring for the patients, changing briefs, cleaning messes, preventing bedsores. Don’t waste your time, and in my opinion, share your experience with all your friends. Places like that don’t deserve to have patients.

Great to be Published by Expat Women!

Thanks to Expat Women for publishing my article on how to help your aging parents when you're living overseas!http://bit.ly/9AfKkB

The Impact of Caring at Home

We've discussed the importance of A-C-I, Assessment, Cost and Impact -- looking at all three as you care for your aging parents.

After work, the next place loving your parents affects you is at home. How? First, in every spare minute, as you fold the laundry, cook, weed the garden, mow the lawn, you'll be THINKING about what to do about your folks. If they live far away, that will worry you. If they live close by, seeing them start to slow down, memory slipping, not keeping themselves up the way they used to, that will worry you.

So how to combat this? Action: the only response to fear. Make that appointment to take Mom or Dad to the doctor. Call a bonded, preferably Medicare-certified, home healthcare agency and ask what they charge for a home health aide to help with housekeeping, bathing, and periodic companionship. Read a book or some articles on caregiving.

Do something constructive and you'll keep away fear because you'll have more confidence that you know what you're dealing with when it comes to caring for your parents. Your time with your family at home will be more peaceful and so will your sleep.

What if Mom and Dad have to move in with you? We'll discuss how to deal with that next.

Sunday, July 11, Interview on ClearChannel, 7:30 a.m. EST

Join me LIVE 7:30 a.m. EST Sunday on Clear Channel's News Talk Radio 1150, Lima, Ohio, with host Vikki Shurelds of Soul of the City. We'll have a info-packed conversation on caring for our aging parents.

The Impact of Caring on Your Work

Loving your parents can IMPACT you at work, at home, and in your soul. The last sounds dramatic, but it's true.

WORK

You think about your folks at work, not a good idea since you're being paid by your employer to give your full attention to them. But it's hard NOT to think about your parents if their health is declining. The best advice is to compartmentalize the different areas of your life. Put work in its own box and when you're there, be fully present.

Just like with children, if the school calls and they're sick and you have to go take care of them, that doesn't look good to your supervisor, unless you have a really understanding supervisor. Maybe once or twice, the office will tolerate it, but not likely on a continuing basis.

Same with your folks. If they are on their own, do your best to stay in contact with them only on your lunch break. Ask them not to call you unless it's an emergency, and let them know when you will call them. Then call. Keep the commitment.

If Mom or Dad lives with you and you have a caregiver looking after them, give the caregiver the same instructions. After all, you're paying the caregiver to be you in your place while you work.

Find someone who is responsible to take that burden from you so that you can give your best at the office. If you start having problems at work because of caring for your parents, you will make things worse for yourself and your family, and you have to protect yourself.

Caring for your parents does not entail becoming a slave to them or giving up your life and all you have built to date. If you sacrifice yourself in the process, you will only end up resenting your parents and the situation "they" have put you in, and you will be no good for yourself or for them.

Work through the challenges to give all you can without sacrificing yourself. It's not easy, but it's worth the planning and boundary-keeping -- for your and your loved ones.

July 4, 2010

May we be grateful for our blessings and dedicated to fight for the freedoms of future generations as past generations have fought for us. May we honor our parents and may God continue to bless America.

Listen to My Interview with KVAY in Lamar, CO

Chandra Hunter of KVAY 105.7 FM -- Talk of the Valley -- in Lamar, Colorado, was a great hostess. We had a delightful conversation about how to love our aging parents. Thanks, Chandra!

To listen click the arrow.