First Three Steps When Mom or Dad in Hospital!

As I wrote recently, a dear friend got the call described below. Here are the first three of seven tips on what to do when your parent is hospitalized.


Have you gotten that call in the middle of the night telling you that your mother who is 2,000 miles away has fallen and is in the hospital? Has your father come for a visit and had a slight stroke? These circumstances can interrupt your everyday life and send you into a state of panic and fear. THE MOST IMPORTANT THING TO DO WHEN YOUR PARENT IS HOSPITALIZED IS TO PUT YOUR PANIC AND WORRY ASIDE AND SHIFT INTO WARRIOR MODE. Here's what you need to do.

1. Don't panic. It is natural to be fearful and overwhelmed when your mother or dad is rushed to the hospital. Accept your feelings as natural, but put them aside right away. YOU ARE YOUR PARENT'S BEST ADVOCATE. If you live far away, immediately call a friend who can go to the hospital and be your liaison on the ground until you get there. You will quickly get frustrated and angry trying to get information about what's happening with Mom or Dad unless you have someone on the scene looking out for YOU and letting you know what's going on. If you can't get to the hospital, there are also elder care advocates like myself who can be your eyes and ears and fight through the system so your parent gets the best care.

2. Contact your mother or dad's physician immediately. As a side note here, it is very important that your parent have a general internist physician (preferably a gerontologist if you can find one) WHO IS WILLING TO FOLLOW YOUR PARENT TO THE HOSPITAL IF NECESSARY. This is obviously something to arrange now, before any unforeseen hospitalization occurs.

Many hospitals now promote to patients a new system of "hospitalists" -- these are physicians who only work at the hospital and don't have a private practice. The problem with this is that your parent will be a new patient to the hospitalist and you might not have the same hospitalist every day. WHAT YOU WANT IS YOUR PARENT'S PHYSICIAN WHO KNOWS YOUR PARENT'S HISTORY TO VISIT THE HOSPITAL EVERY DAY AND DIRECT YOUR PARENT'S CARE! This is very important for the continuity of care for your mom or dad and for your comfort. A hospitalist might not pick up on something about your parent that his or her own physician would because of their history together.

3. Don't be intimidated by the hospital system. The reality is that hospitals have their own protocols and systems which may work for them, but may not necessarily work for you! You land in a place that's all new to you -- and they've got the advantage. Do not be afraid to ask questions of the nurses, other staff or the physicians. Hospitals tell us that their mission is to take the best care of their patients, but the reality is the only person who will be looking out for the best interests of your parent is YOU or YOUR ADVOCATE.

When my mother was in the hospital, I walked up to the nurses' station behind which about 10 people were chatting away, and the one who was sitting at the desk right in front of me refused to look up. I finally called out, Hello, anybody home? And they all turned in disbelief, but I got what I needed.

"You have Beautiful Teeth"

This was something my Mom said every day, whenever she saw me. I don't know how beautiful they are, but I do remember lots of trips to the orthodontists and dentists. Braces, and rubber bands. Today the girls wear colored something or other on the braces, pink, purple, blue. That might have been fun, gone with the colors of our uniforms. My mother always said we looked like a group of Easter Eggs flooding out of school at the end of the day.

But of all the things my mother said, that's the one I hear in my head clearly: "You have beautiful teeth." Suddenly, it dawned on me she really was telling me something. I haven't gone to the dentist in over a year. I'm going this week!

Have a blessed Sunday!

My Friend Got The Scary Phone Call--Mom's in the Hospital

Got a call yesterday from a friend who got that scary phone call we sometimes have to face caring for our aging parents. Her mother was in the hospital, 2000 miles away. The doctors had put her mother into a coma to stabilize her.

Now the big issue. The hospital was small, and there was no specialist to care for her. They needed to transfer Mom to a larger city hospital, but because of a crisis in that city, the hospital had no beds. My friend arrived after many hours on the plane and four more on the ground to see her Mama in a coma. I tried to support her through it, asked if the doctors thought her Mom could make the trip to a specialist in another hospital in another city in another state (five hours away), and she said they thought she could because she was stabilized. I encouraged her to get her mother there, call ahead and talk to the hospital to get them prepared for her Mom's arrival (don't just count on one hospital to communicate accurately or urgently enough to the other) and get the specialist to give the family the best information, then with that information, make the next decision.

My heart and prayers goes out to my friend and her family in a very special way. I was always blessed to have a great hospital nearby who could take my Mom right away. I can only imagine the emotional trauma and stress on my friend's Dad, her siblings flying in from all over the country, faced with a hospital that can't offer much help, while dealing with the anxiety and fear of how to care for mom and not wanting to lose her just like this.

With love to my friend and blessings to you, Jane Allison

How to Love the Seniors in Your Life

Caring for our elder loved ones is a process of observing them every step of the journey. Remember, though difficult at times, this can be a very blessed and often poignant experience if you can hold on and stay the course. Keep these three steps in mind to guide you as you care for Mom or Dad: A-C-I -- Assessment, Cost and Impact. Today we’ll look at Step 1, Assessment.

When you begin to notice changes in your folks, that’s the first red flag telling you to figure out where they are -- mentally, physically, and emotionally. Pay attention. If Mom’s suddenly not as strong as she was, seems to be forgetting things, or appears depressed, now is the time to take action. It may be as simple as getting household help once or twice a week, if mowing the lawn or cleaning house is becoming a burden.

If you’re worried your parents are not taking their medications, that’s a more serious step. You might look for a professional caregiver by calling a home health agency that can send a certified individual to help remind them to take their medications. When looking for a good home health agency, your best option is to look for a Medicare-certified home health provider. These are folks who answer to the federal government in terms of being heavily regulated to have the highest standards in delivering care. Certified home health agencies provide the services of skilled nurses, physical, occupational, and speech therapists, and home health aides to help you and your family meet your parents’ needs.

If you need help assessing where your parents are, schedule an appointment with Mom or Dad's primary care physician and accompany them to the doctor’s visit. Be ready for a possible reaction of denial from Mom or Dad. Every family is different, and some parents welcome the help; others, if they feel they are declining but don’t want to acknowledge it, may fight your suggestion that they go to the doctor.

This is where you have to be both insistent and persistent. If you don’t get help, things will only get worse for your parents and for you, unless you choose to walk away, and in my book, that's never an option.

Assess, assess, assess. Ask questions. Next time we’ll discuss the cost of caring for your loved ones and how to prepare financially before you face the challenge.

Cutting-edge Technology Helping Seniors at Home

Here's a great idea -- bring the hospital monitoring equipment home with you. The microchip company Intel has come out with a new (and user-friendly size, not surprising) monitor that allows a patient to go home from the hospital and still have their vital signs monitored 24 hours a day. Nightingale/Aspire Home Healthcare is the first company to offer these units to its patients across the country. Not only can the machine monitor vital signs, but it can also custom-program rehabilitation exercises, replacing those stick figures the doctors always give us, for days when the physical therapist doesn't visit. To see a demonstration of this cool technology, click here and then click on the Fox News video.

Just Interviewed on KMOX, St. Louis

Interview went great, thank you to our gracious host. We talked in depth about seniors and those of us caring for them. We covered in detail my three points: ACI -- Assessment, Cost, and Impact, which must be consistently monitored along the journey. Here's a link to the full interview. Click Here

Have a great night, St. Louis, and watch out for those rainstorms!

Mother's Day in Retrospect

Everyone said last Sunday, Mother's Day, would be a hard day to get through. To me for the last four years, every day has been Mother's Day! So, I wasn't sure how I would be affected by everyone celebrating. I hibernated in the house for a little while, still mourning and wishing I could go in and give my Mom a big kiss and say Happy Mother's Day. Then I started watching the "Mother of a Day" Marathon of movies on Lifetime. Chick flicks -- me, who would be embarrassed to say I liked a chick flick. But there was something affirming about the movies I saw, the relationships between mothers and sons and daughters, the poignancy of love and loss and finding the strength to move on.

I found myself celebrating the life of my Mother and all the wonderful strengths she had, the things she had taught me, and the beautiful times we had together particularly in the last nine months when I was caring for her at home. It was a time to celebrate her not suffering anymore, being grateful that she had gone to be with the Lord peacefully, that I was there with her that last night, and recognizing that she had raised me to be strong enough to move forward even without her.

The photo here may seem strange, but it's precious to me, and it's perfect for Mother's Day. Those are our Shires, they have fancy names, but we call them Mommy (on the right) and Baby. They've been with us since Baby was born, and there's no doubt they enjoy each other the way no two other horses do. Mommy pokes at Baby when she's naughty. Scratches Baby's back when it itches. Mommy lies down to rest, and Baby stands watching over her.

I always dreaded the day my Mother would be gone. But Mother's Day was a happy day, a time for gratitude and love, a time to celebrate life and the importance of taking the time to love the ones dearest to us while they're with us. I had done the best I could to love my Mom to the end, now it was time to move on and help others on that same journey.

Spring is Here!

My mother frequently said in these last years, "I never knew how much I loved flowers until you started bringing them to me." So this quote from English garden lady par excellence, Vita Sackville-West, struck me with a smile.

"A flowerless room is a soulless room, to my way of thinking; but even one solitary little vase of a living flower may redeem it."

Looking back at the last 30 days

So, it's been kind of a surreal month. My mother has been gone for one month tomorrow. Daddy went to be with the Lord 11 years ago tomorrow. And they would have celebrated their 50th anniversary this week. And I find myself looking for a red-haired miniature poodle to love. Didn't know they came in red. But I've also learned how lonely my mother must have been after my Daddy passed away -- and too stoic to tell anyone. Also, explains all those QVC purchases. My estate has significantly contributed to Melissa Rivers' estate!

But it's trying to find a life for yourself after you spend all that time caring for your loved one and then they are gone. Easier for me, I'm younger and have work I love and a gracious husband. But without children, filling those suddenly open hours is a fascinating challenge. First the shock and adrenalin, then the weeping tsunami, then the gee, what exactly do I do with my life now.

I found my Mother got a passport shortly after my Dad passed away. They had traveled so much together in their early years. But it made me sad. She never went anywhere with the new passport. Never even mentioned getting it. Where was she dreaming of going?

My friends have been loving and incredibly supportive, and I am blessed and grateful. But every day the answer to the how are you doing question changes. I find that's an evolving and unpredictable experience.

Blessings, Jane Allison

You're With the Lord, Mama

I miss you but know you're with the Lord and Daddy. You always asked, "What's Daddy doing in heaven?" Now you know. You were the best!

All my love.

Dorothy Katherine Lee
January 9, 1923-March 17, 2010

Sitting By Mama's Side

So, the good news is Mama's out of the hospital, and back in our home away from home at the wonderful nursing facility, so that she can be closely monitored. But when I went in today she was fast asleep and breathing deeply, so I held and stroked her left hand (which didn't wake her up, unusual) and watched her sleep for about a half hour. In my heart, I relived our lives together and told her without words out loud all the things I was thankful for that she did: all those lessons, piano, tap, dance, violin, ice skating--she was hoping to find me have talent in something!

Then I laughed inside about the things I didn't like -- and told her those, too, in my heart -- those yeast drinks -- it was the 70s -- that I had to devour (YUK!) before I got to any lesson, sitting in the backseat of the car. Can't even get close to the smell of beer without going "Yuk" to this day -- hmmm, maybe that was the plan! And running away from home when I was sixteen, driving to my friend's house because I thought my life was boring, and I had to spice it up -- but I guess my plan was too obvious, because when I came out of her house to go home two hours later, there were my Mom and Dad calmly sitting in their car, waiting for me.

But there was little to be upset about. She gave me love, introduced me to Christ, gave me a beautiful education--with no student loans left over -- how I just took that for granted! And sent me to all these really cool places around the world. I always went on my own, they never went with me, a bit strange since I always thought it would be fun to travel together, but maybe I was boring company or she just didn't want to get in the way. Then a beautiful wedding, where Daddy, halfway through Alzheimer's but still looking handsome in his tuxedo, got out of the limo at the church before me, and then closed the door behind him, leaving me inside, with him smiling at the camera -- a big beautiful smile I can still see! He was able to walk me down the aisle, though he wasn't sure quite what to do with me when we arrived at the altar, Mama took him by the hand and led him to the pew, and he was able to give a beautiful prayer at our reception.

My Mom looked gorgeous. She was 72 and looked like a million dollars with her beautiful hair, high heels, and elegant long velvet gown.. She got to wear my favorite color, black, to the wedding. I wanted to wear black but was told that would be inappropriate, so when she asked if she could wear it, I was thrilled, and said well somebody needs to! She was more beautiful than the bride!

I still remember driving around Glendale, where I went to elementary school, sitting in the backseat -- always in the backseat! -- listening to her 8-track tapes: Frank Sinatra, A Star is Born, Helen Reddy -- and whenever that Helen Reddy song would come on, "You and me against the world" and it came to the part, "And when one of us is gone, and one of us is left to carry on, then remembering we'll have to do, our memories alone will get us through, think about the days of me and you, you and me against the world" -- I, even as a little girl felt the import of those words and dreaded that day that might one day come.

So, then back in Room 5A this morning, I told her silently everything, how much I loved her, how great she was and is, let her sleep, kissed her, and I slipped away. I then felt the urge as I was driving home to stop at our favorite flower shop and have them deliver flowers this afternoon so she would see them when she woke up. She told me a few years ago, that she never knew how much she loved flowers until I started sending them to her. She's always loved beauty, so I wanted her to be surprised and see something beautiful when she woke up.

The lady asked me if I wanted to include a card. No, I said, she'll know who they're from. Then I changed my mind and went over to the cards and picked the one that said "Thank You" and wrote on it "for being a Great Mom. I love you!"

Hopefully, she will enjoy the beautiful reds and yellows and lilies when she wakes up and smile.

The Last Stage of Life

Flubbed a little, but it was emotional.

Mama's Out of the Hospital

I'm so glad. She's back in our favorite skilled nursing facility for now -- thank you, ladies, our home away from home! When I went in to see her at the hospital, the other night she was so much better, I said, "You're back!" She said, "I hope I stay back!" Yeah, me too!!! Thank you, Lord.

Mom's In Hospital

Congestive heart failure, that was a shock. But she is in great hands in the hospital. All the advocacy and planning have stood us well for her care to this point. Grateful to our wonderful doctors and nurses. I just pray this isn't the end. Not ready yet! Thank you all for your prayers. Blessings, Jane Allison

This Says it All -- A Tribute to Mom

I found this tonight on our buffet table in a frame. I remember giving it to my Mom when I was a teenager. Still applies today!

Mother, You Mean So Much To Me

Mother, you brought me up so loving with so much thought and care,
and set a fine example that I'm always proud to follow.
You did the things that counted....
things I'm thankful for today.

You have always given so unselfishly...
the values you've taught me,
the sacrifices you made for me,
the confidence you have given me
have all contributed to make my life happy and full.

You helped me and encouraged me to do my very best,
preparing me and showing me the way to handle problems in life.

And when things weren't working out, and I was very worried,
you cheered me up and inspired me to make a new beginning.
You understood me and gave me hope as no one else could do.

Mother, in a world of uncertainty, nothing means more than knowing
your love and loyalty only grow stronger.

---Larry S. Chengges

From Chopped Liver to As Big as the World! I'm Moving UP!

This morning I go into see my Mom. Good morning, beautiful, I say. Just to make sure we know where we are, I ask her who I am, and she comes up with my whole name, first two names, maiden name and married name. WOW! Then she's looking at me, and I say "What are you thinking about?" "You." "What about me?" "How much I love you." "How much?" "As big as the world." Alright, that did it, I'm officially not chopped liver!

Keep loving your parents, even through the major ups and downs, those special moments are priceless!

Chopped Liver and a Life Lesson

Mom just said about Darlene, our caregiver tonight, "She's a very nice lady." Which she is. So, of course, fishing for a compliment (bad idea), I said, "What am I?" Hesitancy on my mother's part. "Chopped liver?" I ask. She says, "Yes, chopped liver." That's me, I said. "Well," my Mom says, "It was your idea!" -:)

Here's the life lesson: what you think of yourself may be what you get others to think of you, too! Great mamas never stop teaching....

Here's Your Sunday Verse-Beautiful Benediction

"Now to Him who is able to keep you from stumbling, and to make you stand in the presence of His glory blameless with great joy, to the only God our Savior, through Jesus Christ our Lord, be glory, majesty, dominion and authority before all time and now and forever." Jude 24-25.

Have a blessed Sunday!

Party Party!

Cards, chocolate and lots of love!

January 9-Mama turns 87 today!

But she's got the skin of a 40-year-old. No one believes her age. We're going to celebrate. So glad I got to wake her at 4 a.m. -- I woke up, she was up, with a Happy Birthday kiss! Guess what she's going to get for her birthday? Chocolat! Is that chocolada in Spanish, still learning! Thank you to all of you who have sent such lovely messages here online, on Twitter and FB, about my Mom, and your words of encouragement. We are truly blessed! Happy Saturday!

Happy New Year 2010!

As I write, it is four minutes until midnight 2010, Pacific Time! I am thankful for 2009 --my Mama lived through another year, she is comfortable and smiling, I have been blessed by a loving and supportive husband, and I have had the honor and privilege of working with many seniors who are going through physically challenging times as we help care for them from the hospital or skilled nursing facility to home.

May 2010 be your best year ever! I'm off to kiss my Mama Happy New Year!

Cheers and blessings, Jane Allison

P.S. She liked the kiss, but then she said, "There's a long white box on a table here somewhere that has chocolate inside. Could you bring me that please?" Sure, why not, it's New Year's Eve!

Santa Brought Mommy Chocolate-or Did He?

My Mother loves chocolate, but check out the photo of what Santa brought her this year. Not what you might expect! (Yes, he brought her the real stuff, too!) Hope you all had a Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

This is the day the Word became flesh and dwelt among us -- what a miracle -- God came down in human form to be among us -- to ultimately die for our salvation, so that God the Father would see Christ's atoning blood and reckon it to us as salvation to forgive us of our sins so that we who accept Christ as our Savior and Lord, repent of our sins, and accept Christ's sacrifice on the cross as atonement for our sins may be reconciled to the Father for all eternity! Blows me away every time I think of it, even shed tears as I write. I can never not cry when I think about it.

What King could we imagine here on earth, a human one, who would expect to be born, almost anonymously, in a stable of all places, as humble as could be, without the trappings we value so much on earth. Think of the beautiful cribs we buy for our babies, and the rooms we set up. And yet He was the perfect son of the God who created all. And He came to us as a humble baby, and spent the first 30 years of his life again almost anonymously and worked as a laborer. Not just a miracle -- the most beautiful of miracles! Fall on your knees and hear the angels' voices, O, Night Divine, O, Night When Christ was born. Hallelujah! And Praises to God in the Highest!

On an earthly level, as I write this early in the morning, my Mama is tucked away with visions of sugar plums dancing in her head. I woke her up at 6 a.m. and said Merry Christmas! It's Christmas, she said. Yep, what day is that, I asked. December 25--she got it right. Whose birthday is it? Jesus'. I'm listening to Celine Dion's beautiful rendition of O Holy Night -- Christ is the Lord, let ever ever praise we, Noel, Noel, O Night, O Night Divine.

May you and your loved ones have a beautiful, sacred, blessed Christmas. And may we forever be grateful for the greatest gift of all!

Home Health Agencies Not All the Same

What is a home health agency? Whether your Mom or Dad has been in the hospital or is coming home from a nursing facility after rehabilitation or a recuperative stay, they may qualify under Medicare or private insurance for follow-up care by a home health agency. Some people also look for extra help that is not covered by insurance, and home health agencies provide these services as well. However, not all home health agencies are created equally.

Medicare-certified home health agencies come under the strictest governmental regulations and provide many benefits and services. They allow an individual to go home after a hospital visit with skilled nursing and physical and occupational therapy care. There are many home health agencies that operate without government regulation. Whether you are choosing a home health agency for private duty, Medicare or other insurance-covered services, the best ones will typically be those that are Medicare-certified.

To search for ratings on the best Medicare-certified home health agencies in your area, click here.

Happy Halloween!

My Mother's favorite day, I think, after Christmas and Easter. Why? Candy, candy, candy. "What kind of candy do you like?" "Any kind!" My sweet trick-or-treater.