Get Your Parents to Read!

Here's Mama reading the great Book 212 degrees--the difference between success and failure via the boiling water metaphor is one degree. In her advanced state of dementia, if I asked her if she would like to read something, she'd say no. But if I put something to read in her hands, she starts reading. She read this book for two hours, and then I asked her, "What was the book about?" And she said, "About a man who had nothing and became something!"

Don't underestimate your Mom or Dad's ability to engage. Talk to them, if there eyes are good, put something with big letters in their hands, ask them about what they're reading. Keep those brain cells active! And have fun while your're doing it!

Talk to Your Parents--Especially if they Have Dementia

Keep your parents' brain cells stimulated, even if your mother says you talk too much!

Elder Hallucinations Can Be Scary!

My mother hallucinated last night -- these are bits of the scary part of caring for an elder parent. From the living room, I heard her say, "I don't want any more orange juice." But as far as I knew, we were the only ones in the house.

I went it and asked about the juice. She said the nurse was making her drink more orange juice. "Which nurse," I asked, playing along. "The one right there." Okey-dokey. "How 'bout some water instead" Okay, she said.

My mother's on a mimumum amount of medication compared to many her age for which I am grateful. These hallucinations -- her mother, my Daddy, her old bosses, folks coming to a dinner party -- were more prevalent at the skilled facility, when she wasn't being talked to and engaged all day long like she is here at home.

So, I guess if I were alone, I'd make up friends, too. The first time it happened, I freaked out, but was told that it's typical with forms of even mild dementia.

Just as long as all she's looking at is a nurse wanting to give her orange juice. If the bad guys come, I might have to pull out my imaginary guns.

My Mother -- Hospice's Comedienne!

My mother is now home with me and comfortable, have the caregiving schedule worked out, and now lots of great time to write.

So, this is the best part, I've learned my mother is a lie-in-bed comic. As context, she has short-term memory issues, but that mind is still sharp even with its limitations.

As sad as last week was with all the tragic deaths in L.A., I was startled when after watching three days of coverage from morning to night, my mother turns to me and says, "I think Michael Jackson has died."

Yesterday, on the Fourth, I'm trying to get her to understand what day it is. She runs through the days of the week -- no, that didn't work. So, I say, "What day is the Fourth of July?" Her response, "On the Fourth of July."

Later I ask her again what day it is -- it's a beautiful, sunny day in Southern California, clear and gorgeous, unlike last year's Fourth of July Fog -- this time she says it's Christmas Eve. I say, "Look out the window, does it look like it could be Christmas Eve? It's the Fourth of July." She says, "Well, it can be both the Fourth of July and Christmas Eve." "Why do you want it to be Christmas Eve?" I ask. "So that I can get presents."

So then I am telling her today that before she came home I went out to shop, after checking with some Twitter friends about the best sofa bed to put in her room -- a plug for "American Leather" (but the sofas come in wonderful microfiber colors, too, and no springs!) so that I or a caregiver could spend the night with her. She tells me she loves the color. I explain how the first store we went to didn't have the right size or color. The second store, praise the Lord, had the twin size in exactly our color, but didn't want to sell it off the floor. It would take five weeks to order and deliver, but my Mother was coming home at the end of the week.

I told my Mom this morning I knew when I saw the sofa that the Lord had it there ready for us and they would sell it to us, which they did. She says she loves it and it looks beautiful in the room.

Then my mother asks for candy. I say, "You're always talking about candy!" "No, I'm not, I was just talking about sofas!"

Love your parents and bring them home if you can. You don't want to miss the magic moments.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com
http://twitter.com/janeallison

P.S. As I am writing this on the sofa in her room, my mother calls out, "Throw me the flipper" -- our term for the TV remote. Then she quickly follows it up with, "But don't hit me." Fortunately, it was already by her side, no chance for that!

Loving Your Parents Through Healthcare Turmoil!

I am so grateful to my followers on Twitter (http://twitter.com/JaneAllison) who have responded to my question about what they would do if their Mom or Dad were suddenly hospitalized. Most of the answers came back in one variation or another, "I would be there and love them and look out for them."

In an earlier Post here I discussed the matter-of-fact details of what to do when your loved one is hospitalized (see Post "Help! My Parent's in the Hospital!"), but right now I want to focus on what many of my fellow twitterers commented on -- being there and giving love.

For some of us, that's easy. The process is hard, which is why I want you to be prepared by reading the hospitalization Post to the right if you haven't already. I want to make it easier for you to navigate the health care tumult. From an emotional standpoint, many of us would immediately come from love ~~ I want to be there ~~ I want to help.

For others, the relationship with our folks may itself have been tumultuous. Perhaps rightly we feel that our needs were not met, that our parents did not love us the way they should have or been there for us when they could have. So, when the call comes to jump into the "hospitilization/time to take care of Mom or Dad and put my life aside for a period of time" fray, you may find those hurts resurface and your tendency be ~~ not me, let my brother or sister worry about it, or I'm really too busy right now with the kids and work, or they're in good hands in the hospital.

If this is you, I want to share with you a different paradigm ~~ encourage you to look through another framework at the needs of your Mom or Dad at this critical stage. We have all heard it, parents do the best they can. In my opinion, some do, some don't. But the reality is that when they are in the hospital, they are vulnerable. When they are facing end-of-life care issues, they are vulnerable.

This vulnerability may come out in anger and attack because they are scared and losing control of their bodies and their lives. But I want to encourage you the best you can to put aside any pains or grievances that remain in the relationship and SEE THIS AS AN OPPORTUNITY to reach out in love to your parent at this critical time. If they send missiles back your way, ignore them. If they are uncooperative (and chances are they will be at some point), ignore that. Be with them, tell them you love them if you can, just sit with them in silence if you can't. BE THERE.

It may seem unbelievable, but this time of your parent's life can be a wonderful opportunity for you to love, for you to be healed, for your Mom or Dad to heal from what they may know, though may not want to admit, they did to you. Elders spend a lot of time in bed contemplating their lives. Be gentle, be kind, gather up your strength and love, the best way you can. Resist the temptation to flee. If nothing else, just BE THERE BY THEIR SIDE. That will demonstrate your unspoken love.

I have seen amazing people who carry past hurts on the inside be healed in beautiful ways just by being with their parents in the hospital, assisted living facility, nursing facility, or at home. Wonderfully unexpected moments may transpire between you and Mom or Dad. Some laughs, some tears, but overall you may find a contented joy. As much as you love your spouse, there likely is no one on this earth who knows you the way Mom or Dad does. You know each other, for good and bad, in a very deep way.

When you get the call, or if you are with Mom or Dad when they fall and have to get them to the hospital, forget yourself and reach out to them in love and understanding. Sit with them through the process. "Being there" can be the greatest love of all.

Blessings, Jane Allison
http://yourelderlawadvocate.com/
http://twitter.com/JaneAllison