Happy 2011!

A year ago tonight my mother was in the next bedroom on hospice, but that didn't stop her from celebrating New Year's Eve! A transplanted New Yorker, she stayed up for the Times Square ball drop and for the Hollywood after-party. In fact, at 6 a.m. on New Year's Day, I went in to kiss her Good Morning, and somehow she was still awake watching TV with a big smile on her face and melted chocolate on her hands -- how had she reached the chocolate box?

As you care for your aging loved one in 2011, here are 7 things to stop and do:

1. Chronicle the ordinary moments of your journey in a journal or on Facebook or your own blog. The extraordinary moments like holidays are easy to write about, but look for the joys and blessings in the moments where you are just gazing at your dad, grateful he's still with you, or hearing your Mom ask you the same question for the third time. There will come a day when you wish you could still hear her voice. Write down the things your parents say; they will comfort you one day.

2. Take photos. It's easy now with a cell or I-Phone. When I'm waiting in line, I love flipping through the images of my Mom that I captured along the way.

3. Record Mom or Dad's voice. Turn on a microcassette recorder or a Flipcam. Just let it run for an hour while you're spending relaxed time with your parent. When the special moments come, there's no time to run find the recorder. Let it roll and watch what happens!

4. Know that your doing the most important thing in this season of your life: loving your parents during what is probably the hardest time of their lives.

5. Smile. You can melt your dad's heart.

6. Greet someone else's parent at the doctor's office or in the nursing home. A few moments of your time might mean everything to someone whose children live far away.

7. Stop and think: This, too, shall pass. The difficulties you are facing will not last forever, but neither will this precious time. Don't let anxiety about caring for your parents steal your joy. Treat each moment you share with Mom or Dad as sacred.

Join me on VoiceAmerica!

Be sure to tune in to Mind, Brain & Body with Dr. Mike Kell Friday, December 10, 2010, 11 a.m. EST on VoiceAmerica Health & Wellness Network Friday. Dr. Kell and I will talk for the full hour about caring for our aging parents!

Log on to Listen:
VoiceAmerica.com

Questions? Comments?
Call: 1-866-472-5792

See you then!

The Challenges We Face Loving Our Parents

The challenges in loving our parents come in different shapes and sizes. There are the big challenges of watching them struggle to move and of figuring out how Medicare works. There are the smaller challenges of coming home to find your Mom has devoured an entire box of See's chocolates while you've been away.

But really, when you're working hard to love your parents, all the challenges seem big. The reason they seem so big is that you are living through unchartered territory. Like the first day at a new school it can seem overwhelming. That is why it is so important that you don't isolate yourself in this journey. You need to reach out for help and support -- and there are many people and places to help you.

Dr. Phil recently had a story on Cyber-Bullying. It's become a terrible problem in many schools. The bully succeeds when the targeted child feels isolated and is afraid to tell a loving sibling or adult what is going on.

Whether Mom or Dad is bullying you as you try to do what you know is good for them, or the medical system is bullying you as you fight for the best medical care, or worst of all, other people give you their opinions when they've never been where you are, realize you are not alone and help is a phone call, internet click or book away.

Call a loving friend, contact your local elder services agency, find a caregiver support group (many health centers/nursing homes hold these monthly for the public), or go online and search "caregiving", "medicare" and any other topic you want information on. When you do, you will probably be overwhelmed by all the help available. But that is a good thing. Listen to your heart and reach out. You may be surprised to find that you will end up blessing others with your story and struggles.

It is easy to feel alone when you are loving your parents. You are doing a beautiful thing, yet sometimes the world seems to conspire against you. But that's loneliness talking. Talk back. You are not alone.

Tragedy in Pennsylvania

I read the saddest story over the weekend about an 85-year-old woman who had been taken from her Pennsylvania nursing home by her 50-someting son. He dumped her from his car and ran over her several times, killing her. How sickening and tragic.

As someone who has lived in nursing homes over the last four years, I can't grasp there is any way, rationally-speaking, that a home could not have seen something in the son's behavior toward their patient to prevent them from letting him take her. In fact, in this case, a guardian had been appointed by the court to care for her -- someone saw red flags, but that didn't keep the facility from letting her go out with her diabolical son.

He sits in jail, charged under Pennsylvania law with 1st, 2nd and 3rd degree murder.

But that won't do his Mom any good.

Was Congress Trying to Bribe Seniors?

Not much help, so a bribe for votes? More here. What do you think?

Hard to Talk to Mom and Dad?

Have you tried to talk to your folks about their future and how you will be able to care for them as they age? Are you encountering resistance and denial? Are you the only one in your family who wants to face and plan for the future? Are you frustrated?

These are all typical emotions when we're dealing with the aging process. Some parents are fabulous: organized with their finances and their estate planning, even deciding to move to a retirement community and taking care of their funeral arrangements so their children don't have to worry.

Parents on the other extreme ignore everything. They don't draw up a will and plan to die quietly in their home. Like that's going to happen.

Most of our parents lie somewhere along the continuum of the extremes. Your parents may have drawn up a will and revocable living trust, but haven't fully faced the necessary issues of the challenges that can arise while they're ALIVE: declining health, Medicare and other necessary insurance, hospitalizations, nursing homes. All possibilities for each one of us.

Many families don't know what they don't know. That's where we come in. There are lots of free resources here at LoveYourParents.com to help you learn all you can about the aging process and how to help your folks prepare. Check out our archived articles on the topics most important to you now.

Feel free to email a question, and please be sure to sign up for our FREE Love Your Parents Newsletter coming out August 17. Each issue will be packed with tips and articles to help you love and care for your aging parents, preparing and encouraging you each step of the way. If you would like personalized advice and strategies, we offer consulting services as well, designed for the individual circumstances you personally face.

We're in this together: loving our parents and helping get them the best possible care through the end of their lives, overcoming the challenges and pitfalls we face today in an era of economic and healthcare crises.

But be encouraged: There is a traveled path for your journey and hope along the way.

Maybe Mom or Dad Shouldn't Move In!

You want to care for you Mom or Dad as they age. You think bringing them into your home may be the best solution.

For some families, three generations living together, if you still have children at home, can be a wonderful arrangement. We've talked about how that can work. Let's talk about when it can't.

Last week during an interview I was asked, "What happens when your spouse doesn't get along with your parents? How do you bring them into your home then?" Great question, simple answer: Maybe you don't.

First and foremost along this journey you want to protect your own nuclear family, your marriage and raising your children. If bringing Mom or Dad into your home is going to have a significantly negative impact on either relationship, and there's no way around that, counseling, strategies, etc., don't waste your time going there.

You still have a duty to your parents, in my opinion. But not to the point where you start risking your other family obligations. Your goal is to do the best caring and managing of your parents as you can in your particular circumstances. Marriage or kids, for me, is not an excuse to not do your best for your folks. It is a question of balance.

SOLUTIONS: Can Mom or Dad take out a reverse mortgage and live at home with caregivers that you oversee, perhaps together with your siblings, checking in on the situation consistently?

Can Mom or Dad sell their house and with the sales proceeds move into a great independent or assisted living facility close to you or your siblings, using the money from the sale of the house wisely. Remember, money goes very quickly in healthcare. There are resources here at loveyourparents.com about how to find a great assisted living facility.

The key is matching the right elder care strategies to your individual family circumstances. We're here to help!

There is Encouragement for Your Concerns

Are you stuck in a place where you are dealing with raising children, working, experiencing the joys and challenges of marriage and now your Mom or Dad has gotten sick? You may feel overwhelmed, a little scared, wondering how you are going to get through.

Having lived through the School of Heart Knocks caring for my mother with dementia through her death this spring, I'm here to tell you, you can do it. You can get through. If I can, you can. I can guide you through the journey with strategies that will help you limit the frustration, the fear and the overwhelm.

We will go through this journey together, I will be here by your side with heartfelt advice and strategies that will help you keep going as you do the most beautiful thing next to raising your children if you have them, by loving your parents.

You'll find answers to your concerns, and comfort for your journey here. Welcome to LoveYourParents.com!

Thanks, Miramar Semper Fidelis Rotary!

Had the great pleasure yesterday of speaking on the Miramar Air Base in California about money, time, and agony-saving strategies to love and care for our aging parents. And what a joy it was to say the Pledge of Allegiance on base, surrounded by the formidable men and women who daily serve our great nation. Many thanks to President Joe, Mike, Denver, and other members of this great chapter. The Club meets Thursdays at 11:30 a.m. for lunch in the Palms Restaurant on the Miramar Air Base.

To learn more about Rotary around the world and the Miramar Semper Fidelis Rotary, click here.

The Balancing Act--Loving Your Parents and Loving You, Too!

I remember being invited to a caregiving class. "Why are you inviting me?" I asked. "I'm not a caregiver." Denial, denial, denial. "Yes, you are," the kind lady said. "And that's exactly why you have to come."

I had been looking after my Mom for a year at that point, and saw the nursing staff as the caregivers not me. Or maybe someone who had Mom or Dad at home. Now, that adult child's a real caregiver. Again, not me. I just was the one that made sure, in a graciously controlling fashion, that everyone did their job to take the best care of my Mom.

Seeing myself in the role of caregiver changed me. I realized I, too, was impacted emotionally, mentally and physically by looking after my Mom, even if I wasn't the one giving her a bath. I enjoyed the group. There was a lovely gentleman whose wife had dementia. He had been a high-level executive in Washington, D.C., and the couple had moved to California to be near their four daughters, who now rarely came to visit because of their schedules. And they hated California.

Everyone had a story to share. Though I rarely felt alone, it made me feel like I had comrades in the good fight, and we were able to support each other, and teach each other, too.

Love yourself while you're loving your parents. Put balance in your life. It's so simple, it seems dumb to write. Go for a walk. See a great summer movie. Read a good book (the "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" by Stieg Larsson is a well-written mystery that takes place in Sweden, and will transport you to another world.)

Go bowling. Dance around the house. Love yourself and you will be even better at loving Mom and Dad.

IF IT SMELLS, TURN AROUND AND WALK OUT

Sunday is a popular day to visit nursing homes or assisted living facilities. Caveat: The institutions are on their best beahavior, they know you'll be coming.

Stop in during the week, when you're least expected. When you visit any assisted living or nursing facility for yourself, or even if you’re helping a friend, if it smells the minute you walk through the lobby, don’t waste your time. LEAVE. There is no excuse for foul smells. It means the staff is not adequately caring for the patients, changing briefs, cleaning messes, preventing bedsores. Don’t waste your time, and in my opinion, share your experience with all your friends. Places like that don’t deserve to have patients.

Great to be Published by Expat Women!

Thanks to Expat Women for publishing my article on how to help your aging parents when you're living overseas!http://bit.ly/9AfKkB

The Impact of Caring at Home

We've discussed the importance of A-C-I, Assessment, Cost and Impact -- looking at all three as you care for your aging parents.

After work, the next place loving your parents affects you is at home. How? First, in every spare minute, as you fold the laundry, cook, weed the garden, mow the lawn, you'll be THINKING about what to do about your folks. If they live far away, that will worry you. If they live close by, seeing them start to slow down, memory slipping, not keeping themselves up the way they used to, that will worry you.

So how to combat this? Action: the only response to fear. Make that appointment to take Mom or Dad to the doctor. Call a bonded, preferably Medicare-certified, home healthcare agency and ask what they charge for a home health aide to help with housekeeping, bathing, and periodic companionship. Read a book or some articles on caregiving.

Do something constructive and you'll keep away fear because you'll have more confidence that you know what you're dealing with when it comes to caring for your parents. Your time with your family at home will be more peaceful and so will your sleep.

What if Mom and Dad have to move in with you? We'll discuss how to deal with that next.

Sunday, July 11, Interview on ClearChannel, 7:30 a.m. EST

Join me LIVE 7:30 a.m. EST Sunday on Clear Channel's News Talk Radio 1150, Lima, Ohio, with host Vikki Shurelds of Soul of the City. We'll have a info-packed conversation on caring for our aging parents.

The Impact of Caring on Your Work

Loving your parents can IMPACT you at work, at home, and in your soul. The last sounds dramatic, but it's true.

WORK

You think about your folks at work, not a good idea since you're being paid by your employer to give your full attention to them. But it's hard NOT to think about your parents if their health is declining. The best advice is to compartmentalize the different areas of your life. Put work in its own box and when you're there, be fully present.

Just like with children, if the school calls and they're sick and you have to go take care of them, that doesn't look good to your supervisor, unless you have a really understanding supervisor. Maybe once or twice, the office will tolerate it, but not likely on a continuing basis.

Same with your folks. If they are on their own, do your best to stay in contact with them only on your lunch break. Ask them not to call you unless it's an emergency, and let them know when you will call them. Then call. Keep the commitment.

If Mom or Dad lives with you and you have a caregiver looking after them, give the caregiver the same instructions. After all, you're paying the caregiver to be you in your place while you work.

Find someone who is responsible to take that burden from you so that you can give your best at the office. If you start having problems at work because of caring for your parents, you will make things worse for yourself and your family, and you have to protect yourself.

Caring for your parents does not entail becoming a slave to them or giving up your life and all you have built to date. If you sacrifice yourself in the process, you will only end up resenting your parents and the situation "they" have put you in, and you will be no good for yourself or for them.

Work through the challenges to give all you can without sacrificing yourself. It's not easy, but it's worth the planning and boundary-keeping -- for your and your loved ones.

July 4, 2010

May we be grateful for our blessings and dedicated to fight for the freedoms of future generations as past generations have fought for us. May we honor our parents and may God continue to bless America.

Listen to My Interview with KVAY in Lamar, CO

Chandra Hunter of KVAY 105.7 FM -- Talk of the Valley -- in Lamar, Colorado, was a great hostess. We had a delightful conversation about how to love our aging parents. Thanks, Chandra!

To listen click the arrow.

"I" is For Impact

A-C-I -- Assessment, Cost, Impact. The last of our three letters is the most important. How does loving your parents affect you? From the very beginning of your involvement in Mom or Dad's healthcare to ultimately losing them. Hard issues to face, harder sometimes not to walk away from.

There are three potential areas of impact: your work, your home, and your individuality. Next, we'll discuss how to deal with each one.

A Different kind of Radio Day

Okay, so I'm going to the grocery store to pick up soy sauce and salsa, and Green Day's 21 Guns comes on the radio. It was compelling. I sat and listened to the end before getting out of the car. Then I came home and downloaded it on my IPhone -- how I love ITunes -- instant gratification.

I was already reeling from a tearstorm at watching "Remember Me" last night. I'll admit, uncontrollable weeping, at midnight. The movie hit my "I've lost my Mom" spot. Great movie (though not for youngsters even if they love Robert Pattinson, stick to Twilight).

So, this morning I buck up for an interview at 4C.org in San Jose with host Mario del Castillo. Thank you, Mario. Mood seems to have changed. Back in control. Then the fateful trip to the grocery store. (I bought a horse on the way to the WalMart once, well, actually two horses, so shopping trips are not necessarily a good thing for me.)

Now, back home, it's literally minutes before what I'm blessed to do, another radio interview about loving your parents, and I'm swaying melancholically to my IPhone. The real phone rings, and it's time to speak with Chuck Wolfe on WPKN in Bridgeport, Connecticut. Chuck is an expert on Emotional Intelligence, and his program is "The Emotion Roadmap." He has a new DVD applying EI to caring for our aging parents. I was at that moment in need of a little emotional intelligence myself. I was greatly blessed by our conversation, Chuck was a gracious host, and I highly recommend his work if you're caring for your folks.

As soon as Chuck and I say good-bye, back to the IPhone. "When you're at the end of the road, and you've lost all sense of control, and your thoughts have taken their toll....When it's time to live and let die, and you can't get another try, something inside this heart has died, you're in ruins." Yep, just about sums it up for the day.

Tomorrow is Sunday, a new day, a day for worship....and much gratitude.

But for now, I'm sticking to 21 Guns. And letting myself miss my Mom.

Just interviewed on the Northern California CBS Radio Network

Spent a wonderful 30 minutes with Walt Shaw, host of CBS Radio's Public Affairs Show, aired on KNCI, KHTK, KZZO, KYMX, and KSFM in Northern California. We talked about A-C-I, Assessment, Cost, and Impact, Durable Powers of Attorney, Advanced Medical Directives, parents moving in with children, children moving back in with parents!, and loving your parents (and yourself) through it all.

Thanks, Walt, for the opportunity. It was a pleasure!

The Cost of Caring

A-C-I Assessment, Cost, and Impact. The three letters you want to think about along the entire aging journey with Mom and Dad. We covered Assessment below, now let's look at Cost.

The cost of caring can be emotional and financial. In this post we'll focus on financial. As I always recommend, do your best with the help of your family to prepare for the worst BEFORE anything happens. Remember all those crazy things we did getting ready for the turn of the century? They weren't needed, but some of us did prepare.

We'll hope Mom and Dad will pass away peacefully at a great age, having lived well and happily, with no healthcare costs incurred, but the possibility of that is getting smaller and smaller.

First, explore the costs of helping Mom and Dad in their home. Someone to mow the grass, do the laundry, light housekeeping. Bonded and insured home care companies are good resources there.

Nest, look at the cost of bringing skilled services into the home. Physical therapists, occupational therapists, registered nurses. Here you want to find a Medicare-certified home healthcare agency. They are highly regulated and held to the highest standards of any home care agency. These costs will be higher, but they can keep Mom and Dad at home longer, and will be less expensive than assisted living.

Finally, visit and find out the costs of independent living, assisted living and skilled nursing facilities in your area, or if you are far from Mom and Dad, the area they are going to live in, maybe near another family member or in their own home town.

Once you have all this information, then you can look at your assessment of where Mom and Dad are mentally, physically, and emotionally, and be prepared to know the costs and how best to meet their healthcare needs each step of the journey.

Just Interviewed on WDBL AM 1590-Springfield, Tennessee

What a joy and thanks to hosts Dick Veatch and Neal Peterson for having me live on the morning show. Springfield is a beautiful, historical town in Robertson County, about 30 minutes from Nashville, one of my favorite cities in my second favorite state. A beautiful place to move one day!

Thanks to all the WDBL listeners. We'll post a copy of the 15-minute interview as soon as it's available.

Have a great day! Jane Allison

Thanks to MDSuburbs.com

Thanks to Ken Montville, Real Estate Agent Extraordinaire, for publishing two of my articles at Maryland Suburbs and at Just Another Rumor. One deals with Aging in Place and the other breaks a couple of aging myths. You can follow Ken on Twitter @MDSuburbs. Don't forget, if you walk into a facility and it smells, what do you do?.....Walk away!

Check out Ken's site for great information in this turbulent real estate market.

Thanks, Ken!

Happy Father's Day

For those of us without earthly fathers, this can be a difficult day. Today can make the loss of a Dad we loved painful and make us want to cry or just hide away at home, like me this past Mother's Day. Many of our fathers are alive, but we are estranged, and are reminded today of the pains the relationship has cause, perhaps made to feel guilty for not wanting to make that "Happy" phone call or send that "Happy" card.

Here are some thoughtful words from one of our readers:

"This is my first Father's Day without my Dad...I cannot believe how incredibly sad I am. I keep thinking back to this time last year which unbeknownst to me would be my last time seeing him. He was so precious. I was so blessed. He was not only a good man, but the best of fathers. I miss him so much. I'm not sure what I'll do tomorrow to honor him, but truthfully I try very hard to live each day in honor of him."

What a beautiful tribute to your father, and thank you so much for sharing it with us. You are your father's legacy, and all that he taught you, and inspired you to be, and your honoring him every day are the most beautiful things you can do to celebrate his memory today and every day. I am sorry for your sadness and loss. What beautiful words you write, "He was not only a good man, but the best of fathers."

May you remember the best times today, and I'd say you are doing everything to honor him with your writing and your life. So, with joy through the tears, dear reader, Happy Father's Day!

Welcome to our Joy in the Rain Friends!

Thanks so much to my new friend Val, who honored me with writing a post for her great blog Joy in the Rain. Please check out her site, what a wonderful name, it fits so many situations, especially caring for our aging parents.

Happy Father's Day! Love your Dad by calling and saying "I love you," or honor his memory in a special way. Looking at old photos, watching the Open if golf was his passion. Or celebrate with your own family and give him a special toast! Enjoy!